IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #parents #children #activities #freedom
While
 it is widely believed that
parents
 should supervise their
children
's
activities
 closely others believe
children
 should have more
freedom
… I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. (In my opinion,
parents
 aren’t should supervise their
children
's
activities
 closely and
my
Change the pronoun
I
show examples
 believe
children
 should have more
freedom
 On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
 should supervise their
children
's
activities
 closely.
Firstly
Replace the word
The first
show examples
 reason is that
because
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
children
 are young and have no awareness
good
Change preposition
of good
show examples
.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
children
 cannot yet recognize the dangers of walking on the road with many cars.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 reason is to avoid unwanted accidents for
children
.
For example
, when
children
 play they can fall and get injured affecting their health.
On the other hand
, it is strongly believed by others that
children
 should have more
freedom
. People often have
this
 opinion because
children
 need comfort to develop their thinking freely. A particularly good example here is
children
 can freely explore life around In conclusion, …
.it
Correct your spelling
it
 is commonly thought that
parents
 should supervise their
children
's
activities
 closely; meanwhile, others assume that
children
 should have more
freedom
. Personally, I tend to believe that
children
 should have more
freedom
 so
thatchildren
Correct your spelling
that children
 can explore and develop themselves.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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Introduction
Ensure your introduction sets the context for the prompt and outlines your discussion points clearly. An effective introduction should also have a thesis statement reflecting your opinion.
Paragraph Structure
Your body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences. Each paragraph should introduce its main idea at the beginning to guide the reader through your arguments.
Linking
The use of linking words to connect ideas is crucial. Your essay needs more cohesive devices to make it more readable and logical.
Conclusion
Your conclusion should summarize the key points discussed and restate your opinion more clearly without introducing new information.
Task Response
It is important to fully respond to all parts of the task. Your essay should provide a more balanced discussion of the two viewpoints and offer more development of your personal stance throughout.
Grammar and Coherence
Work on using a wider range of sentence structures to express your ideas more precisely and improve the overall readability.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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