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Writing Samples
Band 6

Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#companies #employees #work #position #age #opportunities #generation
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Some individuals argue that in order to give new opportunities to the youth in
companies
,
high-positionposition
Replace the word
high-position
show examples
employees
 should be encouraged to leave at 55. I personally &
respectfully
Correct word choice
and respectfully
show examples
 disagree with that opinion for several reasons.
Firstly
,
high-positionposition
Correct your spelling
high-position position
high-position-position
employees
 are likely to be people who have worked for many years in an industry and have accumulated wide
experience
 in one or more positions. They may understand and have implemented a range of different business models and
also
 developed a broad network of relationships. Over the years,
high-positionposition
employees
 have likely overcome various challenges &
difficulties
Correct word choice
and difficulties
show examples
,
thus
 equipping them to effectively handle and resolve tough cases.
This
experience
 represents an essential asset that helps a company not only survive but
also
 develop strongly in a fiercely competitive market.
Secondly
,
besides
experience
,
high-positionposition
Correct your spelling
high-position position
high-position-position
employees
 obviously possess and have demonstrated a high level of expertise in their field.
For example
, if a company needs to build up a research and development department, experienced research
employees
 would definitely be the first people to be recruited. It’s hardly surprising to see the achievements of scientists increasing as they get older reflecting the time that they have had to experiment and build knowledge in their chosen field of endeavor. Raymond Davis,
for example
, won the Nobel Prize at the age of 88, reflecting his achievements over a lifetime. I believe that
high-positionposition
employees
 at the age of 55 have much to contribute. They still possess significant energy and passion to dedicate their knowledge and expertise to
companies
,
as well as
 being eager to share their
experience
 and mentor younger
employees
. Young people may be talented and have good knowledge for their age, but they can learn a great deal from
high-positionposition
employees
 to create new opportunities &
breakthroughs
Correct word choice
and breakthroughs
show examples
 and enhance the value they bring to
companies
. In conclusion,
companies
 should not encourage higher-positionposition
employees
 to leave at 55. In fact, quite the opposite,
companies
 should work to more effectively leverage the
experience
 and skills of these
employees
 to mentor and help the younger generation reach their potential and support the company
to achieve
Change preposition
in achieving
show examples
 its goals.
Submitted by myngoc3003 on

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task response
Your essay has addressed the prompt effectively and presented a clear and comprehensive argument. Make sure to provide more specific examples to support your points and enhance the relevance of your ideas. Additionally, consider refining your focus to ensure a consistent and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good logical structure and effective introduction and conclusion. The main points are well-developed and supported, contributing to a coherent and cohesive discussion. Consider using more transitional phrases to create smoother connections between ideas and paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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