IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In the past, people stored knowledge in books. Nowadays people store knowledge on the internet. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #books #store #internet
‏In recent years, preserving
data
 on networks has become a topic of ongoing debate. In previous decades people
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to save
information
 in books. I will
further
this
 discussion by
enlighting
Verb problem
enlightening
show examples
some factors and illustrating the pros and cons. ‏
Firstly
, there are several advantages of keeping the
data
 on the
internet
 one of them being the availability feature, now you can access the
data
 anywhere and anytime from any device.
Furthermore
 researching specific
information
 on the
internet
 platform by clicking a button enormous of documentaries will appear
while
 you sitting in your chair at the speed of light
.on
Correct your spelling
On
 top of
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
, it the time saving ,unlike the books which you have to search deeply
internet
 provides
data
 in milliseconds. Because of advanced technology every
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
in your hand.
for example
, the Google platform,
although
 there is debate about
information
 validity,
that is
 why no one can deny the utility. ‏
On the contrary
, a few critical drawbacks must be considered, hackers can reach to some
information
 and alter
this
 content . that could lead to ‏wrong
data
 received by people, which ‏in turn resulted in ‏invalid
information
 to the users .
Although
 accessibility
considers
Wrong verb form
is considered
show examples
 a pros children can be in danger , Young people spend hours on their devices and without parents monitoring them could be exposed to sensitive content. As an example, ‏Some ads for children's apps can have hidden messages for sensitive ages. In order to, ‏the can receive a negative impact unless their parents are involved. ‏
Overall
 , based on the above discussion having
information
 on the
Internet
 can be harmful. ‏All in all ,
although
Change preposition
despite
show examples
 the appeal of storing knowledge on the network including the availability and accessibility, I consider that no one can deny the harmful and destroyed impact .
Submitted by demo_sq on

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task response
Your essay provides a basic response to the question, but it lacks depth and detailed analysis. Try to expand on your points and provide more insightful arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your essay more effectively. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Consider using linking words and phrases to improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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