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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram shows the process by which milk and related products are produced. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features.

The diagram shows the process by which milk and related products are produced. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features.
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The process
diagramatic
Correct your spelling
diagrammatic
 representation shows the series of processes involved in the manufacturing of
milk
Use synonyms
 and the
likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are eight various steps in the manufacturing of
Use synonyms
diary
Correct your spelling
dairy
show examples
. The initial few stages occur in the farm place and the remaining stages happened in the factory. To start with, a breed of cows are well fed and reared until the time for extraction of natural
milk
Use synonyms
 starts with the use of a
milk
Use synonyms
 extraction machine which does
this
Linking Words
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at least twice daily. The extracted
diary
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
then
Linking Words
 stored in the refrigerator at a certain temperature, once the quantity is sufficient, a
milk
Use synonyms
 tanker is used to transport
this
Linking Words
 stored
milk
Use synonyms
 on a daily basis to the factory for
further
Linking Words
 processes.
Linking Words
Further more
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
show examples
, in the factory, the
diary
Use synonyms
 is made to pass through other stages until it's well pasteurized thereby
been
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 packaged into various containers like cans, bottles, plastics,
excetera
Correct your spelling
etcetera
. Some of the processed
Use synonyms
diary
Correct your spelling
dairy
show examples
 are
also
Linking Words
 made into cheese, butter, cream and well packaged in various forms.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
,Finally
show examples
 these packaged
milk
Use synonyms
 products and the
likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
show examples
 are sold out in various shops,
supermarkets
Correct word choice
and supermarkets
show examples
 for the final consumers. 185 words.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words milk, diary with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 1 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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