IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagre

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A successful career is an ambition, that all humans have. To reach the pinnacle of any field, it is necessary to work for a long time in the same.
However
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, it is a common thought of a few, that, workers tend to overstay for their own goals, failing to make way for new ones.
Subsequently
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, it is suggested that these experienced job holders quit and pave the route for the new
age
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. In my view, I concur with
this
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 notion, and I will provide reasons for the same.
Firstly
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, the unemployment rate among youngsters is at an all-time high. Unemployment amongst the youth is a perennial problem around the world. If people over the
age
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 of fifty-five were to retire, it
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 open a number of opportunities for the new generation.
For instance
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, India introduced a compulsory retirement
age
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 of fifty-eight for government administrators which in turn, has helped curb unemployment by twenty per cent.
Secondly
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, scoring a job as a fresher in these times has been met with great difficulties.
Moreover
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,
this
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 leads to a vicious cycle of failure as the established jobs are thinned out amongst the veterans.
For example
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, in a recent study by IIM Bangalore, ninety per cent of the positions available on the market require some sort of previous.
Furthermore
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, in the era where ambitions are at the top of every individual's pyramid, other important aspects of life,
such
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 as family, friends, and health are ignored. To emphasise, a study by
John
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Johns
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 Hopkins concluded that, men under seventy, whose careers have continued over the
age
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 of sixty, were three times more likely to suffer from cardiovascular diseases than those who bow down their hats early.
Also
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, the importance of social life is something that cannot be highlighted enough. The step to encourage premature retirement would help preserve important relationships. Case in point, people whose careers span over fifty years are twice as likely to get divorced than their counterparts. In conclusion, encouraging the old guard to retire is a beneficial move for all the parties involved.
This
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 helps decrease an important social issue whilst
also
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 improving the quality of life for the elderly.

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task response
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the writer's position on the issue and previews the main points to be discussed in the body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
The essay shows good coherence and cohesion overall, but ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there are clear transitions between paragraphs to show the logical progression of ideas.
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