IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

#childhood #obesity #years #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Unequivocally, the dilemma of obesity is ubiquitous, as it is found in each and every age group of our society, but in the past few years,
this
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 a momentous issue among young ones.
This
 essay will discuss the reasons for
this
 situation and the steps which are needed to curb
this
 problem.
Firstly
, the main reason for plumpiness among young pupils is the advancement of technology, which leads to the invention of attractive playstations on which most of the kids are dependent. They are becoming mouse potatoes because they are glued to their electronic gadgets , which thereby, reduces their physical activities and upsurges fattness among them.
For instance
, a survey was conducted at Canadian International E School , in which, it was recorded that the body mass index of more than 80 per cent of students, who selected online games as their hobby, was greater than 28, which is quite abnormal.
Secondly
, the excessive fast food eating habits of infants
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the main cause of obesity among them, as
due to
 online delivery of junk food the kids do not like to eat homemade healthy food, in ,
fact
Add an article
the fact
a fact
show examples
 they find an easy way to be unhealthy. To cease the aforementioned issue of fatty pupils,
parents
 should keep an eagle eye on their infants. Youngsters, today, are living sedentary lifestyles because their
parents
 are busy running in the cat race of earning bread.
Therefore
,
parents
 should know that they are the role models of their children, and
hence
, encourage them to play outdoor games
as well as
 motivate them to eat healthy. Despite
this
, they themselves should participate with them as teenagers are gullible at
this
 age.
To conclude
, there are various causes why juveniles are getting overweight in recent years, but to mitigate
this
 problem proper attention should be given by the
parents
 to their children
Submitted by kp2160919 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Address all parts of the task more clearly and provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but could be improved through more clarity and focus.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: