IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that violent media directly results in violent behavior. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #media #results #behavior
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It is generally believed that nowadays the number of destructive actions is increasing alarmingly.
People
 said that there are many considerable reasons which lead to
this
 serious problem. In my opinion, I reckon that most of
present
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the present
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 savage ways are directly
relative
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related
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 to violent media by the following causes. There is no denying that the development of social media affects our
behaviors
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behaviours
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, especially
to
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apply
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children. Part of the explanation lies in the continuous appearance of aggressive content, which is popularized widely enough to become
the
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an
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 ordinary
topics
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topic
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. The most familiar example of
this
 is the
raising
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rising
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 amount of suicides
in
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of
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the
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apply
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Vietnamese students because
the
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of the
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 spread of hurting themselves videos as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
ways
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way
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 to end the stressed learning period.
However
, those negative news
also
 may set alarm bells ringing to parents in order to take care of their children closely. Probably, there is some truth in the idea that the government should take consideration into the frequency of violent issues on the Internet. It is
also
 well known that consuming unhealthy entertainment causes
to
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apply
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uncontrollable
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and thinking. The immediate result it produces is mental problems which make
people
 tend to act like the way they
expose
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are exposed
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 following the various
researches
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research
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 all around the world. A better example of
this
 can be best provided by a serious link between brutal games and
murders
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the murders
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from
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of
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 thousands of scientists after many shootings in American schools.
Likewise
, it should not be denied the economic benefits which
this
 type brings to
entertainment
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the entertainment
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 industry. It seems quite clear that it is time to notice
to
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apply
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the way
people
 enjoy relaxing. From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that
people
 should consider the sort of information on social media because of the direct effect of violent content on our manners.
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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task achievement
Ensure you have a clear introduction and conclusion that directly addresses the essay prompt and summarizes your viewpoints and arguments.
task achievement
Make sure your main points are effectively supported with specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more coherent structure with clear, logical progression between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your writing and ensure ideas are clearly connected.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social learning theory
  • desensitization
  • cognitive development
  • aggression
  • correlation
  • causation
  • empirical studies
  • psychological theories
  • mediating factors
  • media literacy
  • critical thinking
  • empathy
  • contextual factors
  • societal norms
  • personality traits
  • environmental influences
  • parental guidance
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