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Band 4

Some people say that governments should spend more money taking care elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #money #care #government #education
People
 hold contrasting views about
governments
 should allocate
money
 for which subjects, the elderly or young
generation
.
While
 it is argued that they should spend on healthcare for seniors, I advocate that educating young
people
 has a significant role that
governments
 should focus on. On the one hand, it is indisputable that investing a considerable amount of
money
 in taking care
elderly
Change preposition
of elderly
show examples
people
 is indispensable.
Firstly
,
this
generation
 no longer has
Correct article usage
the abiliy
show examples
abiliy
Correct your spelling
ability
 to make a living so
thay
Correct your spelling
they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 afford to cover life expenses, especially the
underpriviledge
Correct your spelling
underprivileged
.
For example
, older
people
 might not bear a heavy workload as effectively as younger ones
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reduced mental and physical health, that why they need to retire.
Therefore
, living without pensions, they could be likely to lose stable income.
Secondly
, allocating more
money
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 healthcare for the older might become an urge as they are prone to diseases. To be more specific,
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 the pandemic Covid-19, many researchers
shown
Add a missing verb
have shown
show examples
 that a large number of patients are elderly
people
 and they might confront more mortality than the younger.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 the other hand, I would ally myself with those who believe that the education of the young
generation
 should be in receipt of
subsantial
Correct your spelling
substantial
 investment. Undoubtedly, teenagers
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 become leaders in the future.
For instance
, if
governments
 give students financial
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
, particularly for
people
 who are deficient in
money
, to pursue tertiary education or study abroad, they could stand a better chance of
approaching
Verb problem
acquiring
show examples
 new worthwhile skills and attaining more advanced knowledge, after that they could return and make great contributions to their nation.
Furthermore
, well-trained juniors would have strong character and personality to behave with other
people
.
As a consequence
, a considerable number of
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 would be reduced and society
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 better than ever. In conclusion,
although
 it is supposed that
governments
 bear the responsibility for providing financial
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 to the elderly, I am of the opinion that a more substantial amount of
money
 should be distributed for the sake of education for
Add an article
the young
a young
show examples
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
generation
Submitted by trangch705 on

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task response
The essay discusses both views but lacks depth in analyzing each view in detail. It would be beneficial to provide more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic logical structure but would benefit from a more sophisticated organization of ideas. Use cohesive devices and transitional phrases to improve the flow of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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