IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is argued that
criminal
Check wording
criminals
show examples
 can be
rehabilited
Correct your spelling
rehabilitated
 to life and can become good citizens, and
also
Linking Words
 that they are good advisors for children about the dangers of crimes. In my opinion, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because their experience can be a
profite
Correct your spelling
profit
 not only for teenagers but
also
Linking Words
 for young adults.
Body paragraph 1
The prison is
build
Wrong verb form
built
show examples
 for
prisoners
Use synonyms
 to learn from their errors.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who spent 3 or 4 years in Prison will generally not repeat what they have done in the past.
First
Add a comma
First,
show examples
 because they do not want to re-experience jail. But
also
Linking Words
 because if they are
motivated
Punctuation problem
motivated,
show examples
 they will find a job and potentially start a family.
Body paragraph 2
Some
intervenant
Correct your spelling
intervenants
 will try, in jail, to educate
people
Use synonyms
 incarcerated
for them to
Correct word choice
so that they can
show examples
 follow the right path after
living
Correct determiner usage
their
show examples
 incarceration.
Body paragraph 3
We are used to
say
Wrong verb form
saying
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 who have experienced something are the
more
Rephrase
most
show examples
 appropriate
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 to talk about it.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 the case for
prisoners
Use synonyms
. Their experience can be a
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
 for the population.
For instance
Linking Words
, old criminals can
make
Verb problem
hold
show examples
 conferences in prison to motivate or inspire
prisoners
Use synonyms
 to get a job.
This
Linking Words
 is not always easy for poor
people
Use synonyms
 to believe in a great future
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 criminals can create
this
Linking Words
 belief and create an anger in teenagers to succeed in life.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 incarcerated can become good citizens by believing in them. There is
also
Linking Words
 a profit to take from their experience by telling their story to young
people
Use synonyms
. For me,
this
Linking Words
 point of view is really interesting because old
prisoners
Use synonyms
 can prevent new ones.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but it needs a fuller answer. Explain more clearly why former prisoners are the best people to speak to teenagers, not only why they can become good citizens.
task response
Give one clear example about teenagers. For example, say that a former prisoner can tell young people how crime harmed their work, family, and future.
task response
Your idea about talks in prison does not fully answer the question, because the question is about talking to teenagers. Change this to talks at schools or youth groups.
task response
Add a small other side. For example, some former prisoners may still be a bad example, so schools should choose people who have truly changed.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The order is mostly clear, but Paragraph 3 is very short and does not connect well with the paragraphs before and after it. Join it to Paragraph 2 or explain it more.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. Paragraph 1 can be about why prison may change people. Paragraph 2 can be about why their stories can help teenagers.
coherence and cohesion
Make the start of each paragraph clear. For example: “First, former prisoners understand the real cost of crime.” Then explain this idea with an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use links carefully. “But also” is not a full sentence here. Write: “They may also find work and start a family.”
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion repeats your view well, but make it more direct: former prisoners can help teenagers if they have changed and can share honest stories.
task response
Your view is clear: you agree that people who left prison can help young people.
task response
You give reasons based on real life, such as fear of going back to prison, work, and family.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “For instance”, and “To conclude”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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