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Writing Samples
Band 5

describe a graph that shows average growth in domestic products in wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers.

describe a graph that shows average growth in domestic products in wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers.
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This
Linking Words
 bar chart shows the mean
increase
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 in
GDP
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 around the world, spanning
three
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 decades, from the 1960s to
1990s
Correct article usage
the 1990s
show examples
. The
countries
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 are sectioned into wealthy
countries
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,
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globalisers
Correct your spelling
globalised
 and
non-
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non-globalised
globalisers
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. The graph
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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set out to show the
three
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 categories in
three
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 different colours, with a legend showing the key - blue for the rich
countries
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, silver for the
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globalisers
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globalised
globalists
 and dark beige for the
non-
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non-globalised
globalisers
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. The y-axis shows the percentage
increase
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 and the x-axis indicates the decade the data represents. There is a steady decrease in the average growth of
GDP
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 from 1960-1990 for wealthy nations, with a steep difference from 1960-1970, of around 1.6%. The data for 1980-1990 shows the smallest change in value. Inversely, there is a stable
increase
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 seen for
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globalisers
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globalised
globalists
, with the largest difference between 1980-1990, of approximately 1.6%. The data for the non-globalising nations show fluctuations - the
avereage
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average
GDP
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 growth is
shownt
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shown
 o
increase
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 from 1960-1970, which
then
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 decreases drastically by 2.2% from 1970-1980 and
then
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 rises again from 1980-1990. The largest change is actually seen in
this
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 category. The decade with the closest value in
GDP
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 for all
three
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 sections is the 1970s - they all have around
3
Correct article usage
a 3
show examples
%
increase
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 in
this
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 time,
whereas
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 the largest difference is seen in
1990s
Correct article usage
the 1990s
show examples
.
To conclude
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 the
countries
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 which seem to be improving are the
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globalisers
Correct your spelling
globalists
globalised
,
whereas
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 the wealthy
countries
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 seem to be struggling to develop
further
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words increase, gdp, three, countries, globalisers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • domestic products
  • wealthy countries
  • globalisers
  • non-globalisers
  • average growth
  • graph
  • trends
  • economies
  • advanced technology
  • globalization
  • global trade
  • integration
  • slow growth rate
  • participation
  • economic growth
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