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Band 4

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

#music #world #country
It is true that many
people
 believe that there are two types of
music
 in the world in recent years.
This
 essay will discuss why
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the public needs to listen to
music
, and if it is
traditional
Add an article
the traditional
show examples
music
 of a region more significant than
music
 that everyone
listen
Change the verb form
listens
show examples
 to, and from around the world . In the
last
 century, most
people
 listen to
music
 everywhere and for every situation.
In addition
, It is a good way to change our
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
,
besides
 you can listen to
music
 in the car, at home… And it depends on our mood of the day, there are a multitude of types of songs for the taste of everybody; sad, happy, romantic etc…
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 a survey
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been done in the city of
london
Change the capitalization
London
show examples
, conducted by the University of London published in 2006, and proves that 79% part of the population
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 that
music
 is primordial for inhabitants. Nowadays, there is no doubt about the fact that International
music
 is the most heard by the public everywhere.
Additionally
, It
promote
Change the verb form
promotes
show examples
 the idea of learning more about the culture and customs of
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 regions of the world. In
this
 case, the types of
music
.
For example
, an association in my university asked the population of our region in the street; if they
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 it is more important to listen to traditional
music
 or international
music
, the answer
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 90% international
music
. In conclusion, for our society
music
 is essential. It can
be listen
Change the verb form
be listened
show examples
by
Change preposition
to by
show examples
 everyone, everywhere and whenever
people
 want to. It has been a
revolution
Replace the word
revolutionary
show examples
 invention,
Also
 most
people
 are in favor
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
internationals
Correct your spelling
international
show examples
 songs
instead
 of
traditionals
Correct your spelling
traditional
 ones.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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coherence cohesion
Please make sure that your essay follows a clear structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and should be logically connected to the others.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the coherence of your writing by using a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and across sentences more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. You should discuss the importance of music, the significance of traditional music versus international music, and provide a balanced argument. Your conclusion should summarize these points clearly.
task achievement
Develop your main points by providing more specific examples and explanations. Aim to give clear, fully-developed arguments and ideas in each paragraph.
task achievement
Use real-world examples to support your points and make your arguments more convincing. Referencing studies or specific cultural phenomenons can help illustrate your arguments better.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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