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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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In the current age, It is affirmed by the majority of movie
critiques
Replace the word
critics

The word critiques doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 that cruel and vicious shows, which have a wide reputation in our societies, deplorably and seriously affect our community’s citizens` mindset. (O) others deem that the more violence in media exists, the more pleasure it will fetch. From my perspective, I consent to the first opinion, and the essay will illustrate that in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, owing to the widespread of drastic movies and games, felonies rates have increased exponentially in our countries.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, as most juveniles and adolescents unconsciously
endeavored
Change the spelling
endeavoured

The spelling of endeavored is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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 to apply what they watch, they perpetrate a plethora of wrongdoings without considering the ensuing aftermaths
from
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 their actions. As an example, there was a rough crime, which took place in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA

Your article usage with the geographic name USA may be incorrect.

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 in 2019, when a teenager killed his brother to apply the instructions of the prominent game at that time which was called ‘’ The Blue Whale``.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, other onlookers opine that atrocities should exist in most films because they will bring considerable suspension and thrills.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, not only, do these violent scenes render their audience excited and enthusiastic, but
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 they let them embrace illusion and fantasy as the plurality of these footages do not occur in reality,
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, most
thrilled
Replace the word
thrilling

It seems that the form of the participle thrilled is not correct in this context. Consider changing it.

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 movies, which contain ghosts or people who have teratogenic manifestation, do not have any relationship with our factual life, or we seldom live that experiment. In conclusion,
after
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 essay has provided the points mentioned above, it can be reiterated that some viewers or players believe that brutality should significantly
pervades
Change the verb form
pervade

The verb pervades after the modal verb should does not appear to be in the correct form. Consider changing the verb form.

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in
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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media platforms, I definitely oppose that belief because of its passive sequels on our societies.
Finally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is predicted that criminalities proportions will dramatically upsurge
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 the ubiquitous production of severe applications and films.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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