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Band 5.5

Nowadays , many people are spending less and less time at home , What are the causes of it? What are the effects of this on individuals as well as on the society?

#people #time #home #effects #individuals #society
It is often argued that with the evolution of orthodox family values,
people
 tend to spend way less time with their loved ones than they used to in the past.
Therefore
,
this
 essay will highlight the reasons behind
this
 change and how it is impacting our personal and communal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. The main reason behind folks not engaging enough with their families is a change in work-
life
 balance, earlier companies used to focus on maintaining
this
 balance but now they care less about it and emphasize more on getting the tasks done, whether it involves putting in extra hours,
as a result
, personal lives are compromised.
Moreover
, employers are happy to pay for increased time,
this
 is the reason it does not bother workers to put in these hours and,
consequently
, they have driven away from their houses and ,eventually they start liking to spend more time outside the house themselves, as they no longer have the same level of involvement in the family affairs because they have made their own world, which just involves their job and the
people
 they work with.
However
,
this
 system
in creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
 an imbalance in family
life
 and affects marriages as well.
For instance
, research conducted at Harvard University suggests that in the
last
 decade, the divorce rate has potentially
rose
Replace the word
risen
show examples
,
as a result
 of the increase in pressure from offices.
In other words
,
people
 are not able to cope with work-related frustration, and it is damaging them personally.
Furthermore
, another outcome which is being reported is that
this
 state of isolation refrains
people
 from getting involved with community members are well,
as a result
, the social and communal ties are debilitating these days.
To conclude
, the more the distance from domestic
life
 and the ones who care for you, it is only going to make lives harder than ever.
Therefore
, the key should be to make an effort to strive for a perfect equilibrium in every aspect of
life
.
Submitted by z.ghadia on

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task response
The essay addresses the reasons behind the change in spending less time at home and its impact on individuals and society. However, the coverage of ideas is not comprehensive and lacks clarity in some parts.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is moderately effective. The introduction and conclusion are clear, but some ideas are not well-connected, affecting the overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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