IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important that treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?

#prevention #health #illness #treatment #medicine #government
The
health
 sector
is play
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
 a critical role in our life. Some
people
 believe that the
prevention
 of
health
 issues is more important than medicine. Even though the
prevention
 of some diseases would reduce the
overall
 cost of the medication. I totally disagree that
prevention
 is more crucial than medicine. In the following, I will deliberate more impressive examples that draw attention to how much medication is more important and the
prevention
 of illness does not work well. First,some diseases ,still until now, we can not counter the real reasons for it.
For example
,the are tremendous reasons for cancer and indeed there are different types of cancer.
People
 who suffer from
this
 critical problem should receive intensive amounts of treatment and support. In
this
 case, the treatment could reduce the harmful sequences of the cancer given that we could do anything to prevent it.
Secondly
,there are sudden
health
 issues
such
 as
accidents
 or disasters. These unexpected
situations
 cause several great
health
 issues.
For instance
, how we can prevent someone from
make
Verb problem
having
show examples
 car
accidents
.
Enevthough
Correct your spelling
However
,
people
 try their best
to did
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not to
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
accidents
. Actually, there are several car
accidents
 that
happened
Wrong verb form
happen
show examples
 every day. I believe for these emergency
situations
, medication is more helpful.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should consider these harsh
situations
 and allocate huge funds to
such
 emergency
situations
 to save the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of the
people
.
To sum up
, even though the avoidance of illness is better in some cases, but
however
 there are illnesses with unknown reasons
as well as
 non-expected illnesses. I totally
degree
Correct your spelling
agree
show examples
 that treatment is always better than avoidance.
Submitted by fmalquran112 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical order. Use transition words to connect ideas.
task response
Address the prompt fully by discussing both sides of the argument and providing relevant examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: