IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that alcohol should be considered as a drug and made illegal. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#people #alcohol #drug
Alcohol
 has become so popular throughout the years taking many forms of beverages.
Although
 it has many more health impacts,
people
 are still consuming them in high quantities.
While
 several
people
 think that
alcohol
 should be labelled as a drug and declared illegal, there are others who prefer the contrary. In
this
 essay, I will discuss why I completely agree with
this
 view and give my reasons.
To begin
 with, there are occasions that
alcohol
promotes
Wrong verb form
is promoted
show examples
 as an entertainment product for
people
 who are having a fun time,
however
 like other known drugs it causes a lot of social dilemmas and problems because most of the time
people
 will exceed the limits.
For example
,
people
 use
alcohol
 not just to have a good time but to drown in their sorrows or as a solution to the mental pressure,
causes
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
 by day-to-day activities. In third-world ,countries
this
 situation has become crucial
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
leading to physical harassment and even murders.
Therefore
 making them illegal may result in a deduction of the above-mentioned situations.
Moreover
,
alcohol
 will decline the mental capacity of humans which is another reason to consider it as a drug and make it illegal. Some researchers have found that as a by-product consuming liquor can cause neurone cells in the central nervous system to shrink and die, which will result in many mental conditions. To illustrate, research, which was conducted in the US, has found that
people
 who consume
alcohol
 on a daily basis
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a tendency
for reducing
Change preposition
to reduce
show examples
 their short-term memory by 10% compared to non-drinkers.
This
 is another reason to ban
alcohol
 and name
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 illegal. In conclusion, there is an ongoing debate about whether liquor should be banned and marked as illegal or not;
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 I totally agree with making them illegal and banning them because
people
 tend to over-consume
alcohol
, which
makes
Verb problem
creates
show examples
 chaos in society, and like other drugs can cause health issues like loss of memory.
Submitted by shanikamaduri on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a clear response to the task, presenting a viewpoint and supporting it with relevant examples and explanations. However, it could benefit from a more focused introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure, but there are areas where the coherence and cohesion could be improved. For example, there are instances of unclear pronoun references and the use of run-on sentences. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion could be more distinct and engaging, setting up and summarizing the main points more effectively.
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