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Band 5.5

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.
#shops #country
This
 graph indicates
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how many
shops
 are closed and opened in a nation between 2011 and 2018.
Overall
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a fluctuation in both closures and openings, especially the
number
 of
shops
 that closed from 2011 to 2018. In terms of openings of the markets between 2011 to 2018, dramatically decreased from 8500 in 2011 to 4000 in 2012. But from 2012 to 2013, back
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
successfully increased by 2100
then
Correct word choice
and then
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 reached 6100. In 2015, it fell from 6100 to 4000, which was the same as
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 year 2012 .
Also
Add a comma
,Also
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 the
number
 was
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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maintained that
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
number
 in 2016 as well. In 2017, it slightly rose up by around 100,
however
 in 2018, it fell to 3000.
About
Change preposition
Regarding
show examples
 the data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
number
 of closures of
shops
 in those years, there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 ups and downs happened between 2011 and 2014. The measurements of its
number
 fluctuated within 1000 and
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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peaked
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 7100 in 2013.
Also
, a huge fall
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 closures'
number
 occurred in 2015, which was reached to 500. In 2016, it raised back to 5100, but since 2016, it
downs
Replace the word
down
show examples
 by 100 and ups by 100 in 2018 eventually.
To sum up
,
although
 the
number
 of
shops
 that opened was highly reached 8500 in 2011, but altered to 3000, the lowest
number
 in 2018.
Whereas
 the
number
 of
shops
 that became no more available has ups and downs from 2011 to 2014,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
since 2014, it drastically diminished in 2015, from about 6500 to only 500.
Submitted by Bolorbatbold99 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 77%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words shops, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trend
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • decline
  • surge
  • stabilize
  • correlation
  • economic conditions
  • consumer behavior
  • technological advancements
  • urban development
  • employment
  • retail sector
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