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Band 5

Countries with long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #time #consequences
As competition between businesses
evolve
Change the verb form
evolves
show examples
 radically,
people
 spending much more
time
 at
work
 become inevitable.
While
 working
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
 do
brings
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bring
show examples
 great benefits to
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
some
people
 believe it
also
cause
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causes
show examples
 socially detrimental ramifications. I agree with the view and think working overload will distance
people
 from family and friends. Admittedly, economic and
technology
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technological
show examples
 progress is dedicated by
people
 working day and night.
For example
, the reason why Taiwan Company TSMC can be significantly successful is owing to the researcher working overtime
everyday
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every day
show examples
 just to surpass other competitors.
Furthermore
, great success
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
 can
also
 improve
country’s
Correct article usage
a country’s
show examples
 position all over the world and make
people
’s life better.
However
, long-
time
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 will cause many negative repercussions.
Firstly
, when
people
allocates
Change the verb form
allocate
show examples
 most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
work
, they spend less
time
 with
closely
Change the adverb
close
show examples
 relationships at the meantime. Not only will the worker feel remarkably
stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
 and
fatigue
Wrong verb form
fatigued
show examples
 without
accompany
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accompanying
show examples
 by family, but their child or mate will
also
 feel lonely.
Secondly
, there will be no
time
 for them to participate
lovely
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in lovely
show examples
hobby
Fix the agreement mistake
hobbies
show examples
 and
distracted
Wrong verb form
distract
show examples
 them from
work
temporary
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temporarily
show examples
. As the situation
last
, workers will lose enthusiasm and doubt the meaning of their hard
work
,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
more
Add the comma(s)
,more
show examples
 might harm their mental and physical health as well.
To conclude
, I believe working longer
time
 increase economic growth, but the demerit
surpass
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surpasses
show examples
 the merit and critically affect
people
 in
bad
Change the article
a bad
show examples
 way.
Thus
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should take serious at
this
 issue and formulate corresponding law to supervise
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 and assure every employee achieve
life-
Correct article usage
a life-work
show examples
work
 balance.
Submitted by truehappy588 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average working time
  • Economically successful
  • Negative social consequences
  • Employee burnout
  • Competitive edge
  • Global markets
  • Consumer spending
  • Productivity
  • Work-life balance
  • Mental health issues
  • Community ties
  • Societal well-being
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