Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the modern world, most young people do not take any notice of saving money daily.
Also
Linking Words
, they waste more
time
Use synonyms
on shopping which some people are concerned about. I totally agree that
using
Verb problem
spending
show examples
an enormous amount of
time
Use synonyms
in malls causes many negative aspects that affect those young folk and the whole of society.
Firstly
Linking Words
, constructing shopping malls to encourage the community to buy things can contribute to a culture of materialism. In the trend of modernization, they become materialistic and value material things above other important things
such
Linking Words
as health, relationships, and meaningful experiences.
For example
Linking Words
, a young lady who spends a lot of
time
Use synonyms
in a shopping centre will feel pressure to keep up with the latest
fashion
Use synonyms
trends and consumer products,
although
Linking Words
it is unnecessary. Because we
consume
Verb problem
spend
show examples
most of our
time
Use synonyms
at the mall,
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
we do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
for family, friends and
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our health.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
over-shopping, the environment and employees are getting worse. Because of the high demand of customers at the shopping centre, factories have to release more toxins into the environment
as well as
Linking Words
force workers to work to meet market demand.
For instance
Linking Words
, fast
fashion
Use synonyms
was born to meet the need to pursue cheap
fashion
Use synonyms
trends.
Besides
Linking Words
the great economic benefits, fast
fashion
Use synonyms
brands have released a lot of non-biodegradable substances that increase the greenhouse effect.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many wage workers have been subjected to violence and abuse
such
Linking Words
as not being allowed to eat to produce huge amounts of clothing. In conclusion, youngsters should use their day more wisely. Spending too much
time
Use synonyms
at shopping plazas can negatively affect their behaviour and society.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, but it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The logical structure of the essay is somewhat inconsistent, and the main points are not fully supported with relevant examples. More focus should be placed on organizing the essay in a more coherent and cohesive manner.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task, providing some relevant points and examples. However, the response lacks depth and does not fully address the extent of the issue. The ideas need to be more comprehensive and specific, with stronger examples to support the arguments.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: