IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. How true is this statement? Are there any other parties that should be responsible for this?

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents #parties
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It is generally believed that nowadays
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
grow
Wrong verb form
is growing
show examples
 in an alarming
lifestyle
. I strongly believe that
parents
 play a vital role in enhancing awareness of their
children
 in order to surmount
this
 issue. There is no denying that attentive education from family is the most important factor which affects a child’s
lifestyle
. Part of the explanation lies in
parents
, the closest people who witness the growth of teenagers so that they can help to eliminate unhealthy habits directly. The most familiar example of
this
 is that women in Vietnam always prepare nutritious meals in a day for family members to follow a balanced diet.
However
, because of
hard-working
Correct word choice
hard
show examples
 days, a lot of
parents
 don’t spend enough time
to take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 care of their
children
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
originating
Verb problem
resulting
show examples
an
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 unhygienic
lifestyle
. It seems quite clear that
parents
 should be
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 forefront
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 bringing a blooming generation. It can
also
 be argued that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should publish the necessary policies to minimize bad habits in
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
.
Children
 are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the future of our country so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the attending of government will exert a
far reaching
Add a hyphen
far-reaching
show examples
 influence on resolving
this
 problem
massly
Correct your spelling
massively
. A better example of
this
 can be best provided by increasing the tax and cost of junk food to cut down the amount of their consumption.
Whereas
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, if the policies are not
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 time and discontinuous,
this
 issue will not be solved absolutely and become more serious. It might be time to take the strategies
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 into consideration. From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that
parents
 should have essential responsibility in forming a wholesome
lifestyle
 for their
children
, closely
basing
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on the governmental direction.
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure to your essay. While the overall structure is present, some paragraphs lack a smooth transition, which may confuse the reader. Use connecting words and phrases to better link your ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. Your introduction should more directly address the question and outline what you will discuss. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize your main points and directly answer the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with clear and relevant examples. The examples provided are somewhat general and lack depth. More specific and varied evidence would bolster your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Ensure you fully respond to all parts of the task. While you discuss the role of parents and the government, the essay prompt also asks for other parties that could be responsible. Addressing all components of the question is essential for a high task achievement score.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. Some points are made, but they are not explored in full. Take time to fully elaborate on your ideas, explaining how and why they are relevant to the question at hand.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to support your points. The examples given are somewhat vague and could be more detailed. This will enhance the reader's understanding of your arguments and your essay's overall effectiveness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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