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Band 5.5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subject such as information technology. To what extend do you agree or disagree

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Elementally, education is an imperative matter which needs to be focused on. Since Every society requires up-to-date pupils, some believe it is truly essential to dilute subjects like art and devote more time to modern machinery.
Although
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 the machinery is thriving very rapidly, some others
yet
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consider all different types of subjects crucial as well. In
this
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 essay, we are going to discuss these two different facets.
Firstly
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, we should take into account the rate of changes happening around us,
then
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 we would see an immense transformation in all aspects of our lives.
Therefore
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, It is integrally important to pay special attention to how to teach our students about these transformations.
Secondly
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, all humankind has a soul which needs the same requisites as ancient people.
Therefore
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, some people think, we may consider it as well.
Whereas
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 other scholars contemplate differently. They remark that the teaching system requires refinement. In my opinion, both of these statements are correct to a limited amount. We must educate our children to prepare them for future life. Not only to prepare their mind but
also
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 their heart and their soul as well. Personally, I think subjects like information technology, robotics and Artificial intelligence need to be added to the school's curriculum.
In addition
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, these need to be long-term to make
ready
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pupils as
much
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ready as possible for
sophisticated
Correct article usage
a sophisticated
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 future life.
On the other hand
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, matters like art , literature and history are exciting and useful to them and we should not underestimate their importance for a healthy mind. In conclusion,
however
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, some
erudite
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erudites
 may prefer to eliminate alleged superficial topics like history and replace them with technology, some others truly believe it is essential to keep
them
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and preserve them. In my opinion, these less important topics should still remain but new modern topics need to be added more.
Submitted by aghil.rahmani on

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task response
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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