IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some feel that punishment should focus more on rehabilitation instead of long prison terms. Others feel prison terms are important for social stability. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#feel #punishment #focus #rehabilitation #prison #terms #stability
It is suggested that
,
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 what the regime should do for crime committers is to give an opportunity for rehabilitation rather than keep them in jail,
whereas
 others opine that it is
more
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a more
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 essential approach in order to save social stability.
This
 essay will discuss both these points of view and argue in favour of the latter. On the one hand, it is proved by many psychologists and doctors that around 90
percent
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per cent
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 of people who tend to commit any kind of serious crime
such
 as
,
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 kidnapping, assassination or murder, terrorism and rape have psychological issues.
In other words
, individuals who are mentally ill can not only be aggressive towards people but
also
 try to do harmful things which may have tremendous repercussions.
Hence
, the main thing that the state must do is to assist them
to deal
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in dealing
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 with it, focus on their internal state not keep them in prison
many
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for many
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 years.
For instance
, it would be better to oblige them to have private conversations with specialists like
psychologist
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psychologists
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 or
psychotherapist
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psychotherapists
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.
In
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As
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result
Correct article usage
a result
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, they may not commit
crime
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crimes
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 afterwards.
On the other hand
, it would be definitely
wrong
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a wrong
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 decision to let that kind of
people
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person
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 interact with society especially if they are
on
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in
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the
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a
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 recovery period. By
this
 I mean that the healing process takes time, during it there must not be any
distraction
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distractions
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 or annoying situations which may lead to
the
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apply
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any conflict and I suppose that prison terms are important in order to avoid it. In conclusion, from the aforementioned
arguments
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arguments,
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 I still believe that long-term rehabilitation and prison conditions are equally important.
Submitted by berikkozha.eren on

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task response
The essay addresses both sides of the issue and gives a clear opinion at the end. However, the ideas lack depth and development, and do not fully cover the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the coherence and cohesion could be improved by using more advanced transition words and organizing the ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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