IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. What is the reason for this? it is a negative or positive development?

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Technological advances in
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 entertainment have been spread widely, and it is quite addicting.
However
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, the reason
children
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 prefer playing
video
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games
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 rather than sports
are
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is
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 the convenience
in
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of
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 playing digital
games
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.
This
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 essay will elaborate
the
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on the
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 negative development
causes
Wrong verb form
caused
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 by
this
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 phenomenon. The main cause of
Use synonyms
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
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 addiction to
play
Change the verb form
playing
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video
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games
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 is it
give
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gives
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kids
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 satisfaction and
end
Correct subject-verb agreement
ends
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 up as addiction.
Although
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kids
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 sit in front of their
computer
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computers
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 all day, they
satisfied
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are satisfied
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 without getting tired physically.
For example
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, my
twelve-years
Correct your spelling
twelve-year-old
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 nephew could spent three hours in a row
to play
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playing
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 his PS5 and only took 10
minutes
Correct your spelling
10-minute
 break to eat, and started again. The great
visual
Fix the agreement mistake
visuals
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 and movement provide players with great gaming experiences. Meanwhile, the satisfaction comes from
Replace the word
levelling
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level
Wrong verb form
levelling
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 up in the
games
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 and it triggers
children
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 to play until reach the highest level.
Thus
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, it is hindering
children
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to play
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from playing
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 outside like people did
in
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apply
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20 years ago. Indeed,
this
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 is a negative development for
childrens'
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children's
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 growth phase.
Moreover
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,
this
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 age range is the perfect period to learn and exercise their body
such
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 as in
gymnastic
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gymnastics
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,
basket
Correct your spelling
basketball
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, or ballet. Because of
the
Change the word
their
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 addiction
in
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to
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digital
Add an article
the digital
a digital
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 world, they could not achieve
this
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 golden period.
For instance
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, there is a viral
video
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 about
children
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 screaming because his mother took the computer before he finished his school task. It is the best representative of
negative
Add an article
the negative
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 impact that
childs
Correct your spelling
children
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 could have.
Consequently
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,
childs'
Change noun form
children's
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 health will undevelop and
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 follow
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
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 activities. In conclusion, the convenience and satisfaction
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 play
pivot
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pivotal
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role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
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 in
childrens'
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children's
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 activity
preference
Fix the agreement mistake
preferences
show examples
.
Therefore
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, unless parents take
a
Remove the article
apply
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full control of their
kids
Use synonyms
' activities, they will have several issues in health and growth aspects.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt adequately but lacks depth in presenting clear and comprehensive ideas. More relevant examples and details are needed to support the main points.
coherence and cohesion
There is a basic logical structure present, but the essay lacks a strong introduction and conclusion. Ensure that the introduction clearly states the position and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
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