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Band 5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #prison #citizens #teenagers #dangers #crime
It is true that some prisoners after
completed
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completing
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 their sentence,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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become noble
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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 in society. It is often argued that these
people
 can
be work
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work
show examples
 as a deterrent from dangerous activity to youngsters. I agree
idea
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the idea
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 that allowing
such
people
speaking
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to speak
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 to
the
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apply
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teenagers about their
experience
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experiences
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 is the best way to discourage them from breaking
a
Correct article usage
the
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 law. In
this
 essay,
further
 I will explain
this
with
Change preposition
for
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 several reasons.
To begin
 with, teenagers are more likely to accept
advise
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advice
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 from
experienced
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an experienced
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 person. Reformed offenders can tell young
people
 about how they
involved
Add a missing verb
were involved
show examples
 with
crime
, what was the outcome,
how
Correct word choice
and how
show examples
 was prison life.
In addition
, they help to get rid
off
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of
show examples
 their idea about criminals leading captivating life. Some
people
 maybe hesitate about whether they really have changed,
however
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 many
people
 who turned it around. To
be cite
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cite
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 an example, Robert Downey Jr, who played Ironman In Marvel movies, arrested several times because of
heroine
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heroin
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, cocaine and marijuana. In spite of
this
, he battled with his addiction, now he is
famous
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a famous
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 actor in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Hollywood.
In the
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The
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 second place, the alternative ways to educate teenagers about avoiding
crime
 would be less effective. One option can be
police
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for police
show examples
 officers
visit
Fix the infinitive
to visit
show examples
 schools and talk with the young
people
.
This
 could be useful in terms of informing teens about what happens to lawbreakers when they are caught,
however
, youngsters are often unwilling to take
piece
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a piece
show examples
 of
advise
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 from figures of authority. Another option could be
school
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for school
show examples
 teachers
talk
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to talk
show examples
 to
with
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apply
show examples
their
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 about
crime
, but they maybe do not have enough information about
this
 topic.
Lastly
,
criminal
Correct article usage
a criminal
show examples
 educational movie might be helpful, but there is no interaction between students and them. In conclusion, I fully support the view that
people
 who served prison and changed their life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can be beneficial to reduce teen
crime
. Because of their real experience and regrets, these offenders can talk
true
Change preposition
about true
show examples
 negative consequences with them.
On the other hand
, as I mentioned before, other options might be not effective with youngsters.
Submitted by llbayarmaa on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
What to do next:
Look at other essays: