IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Today many children and teenagers are overweight and unhealthy. Give reasons to explain why many young people are obese and give some solutions to fix this problem.

#children #teenagers #people
In
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 era
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of
children
 and teenagers are overweight and unhealthy.The reasons and how it could be fixed are
disscused
Correct your spelling
discussed
 below.
Firstly
,eating out frequently
that is
 mostly from a fast food chain
these
Change the determiner
this
show examples
 food contains lots of fats which leads to obesity,
this
 can be controlled by eating
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
 meals which will be
more
Add an article
a more
the more
show examples
 nutritious and healthy option.
Secondly
,
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of physical activity
this
 is
due to
 many youngsters
prefer
Wrong verb form
preferring
show examples
 to use their mobile phones rather
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
engaging
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 in outdoor activities
such
 as sports.
This
 can be overcome by parents being more strict
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
children
 regarding the use of phones and encouraging their kids to join extra- circular
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
such
 as netball , soccer , swimming etc.
Thirdly
 , insufficient knowledge about the impact of obesity
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
 when one is not aware of the consequences or rather negative effects they would not even give
a
Correct pronoun usage
it a
show examples
second thought ,
therefore
 in schools and universities
children
 should be thought about leading a healthy lifestyle whereby they would have
basic
Add an article
a basic
the basic
show examples
 idea on the importance of it and most likely to follow when they join
Add an article
the work
show examples
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
.
Lastly
 ,
affordability
Correct article usage
the affordability
show examples
 of unhealthy food
such
 as fizzy drinks ,
unhealthy
Correct word choice
and unhealthy
show examples
 snacks which are rich in fats and sugar which
children
 purchase and consume because it is cheap. Government should increase
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 on these items so that people will think twice before buying
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Submitted by A on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Screen time
  • Balanced diet
  • Nutrients
  • Physical education
  • Parental influence
  • Aggressive marketing
  • Emotional stress
  • Coping mechanism
  • Caloric intake
  • Processed foods
  • Nutrient-dense
  • Health awareness
  • Fast food industry
What to do next:
Look at other essays: