IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Crime rates will fall as advances in technology make it easier to detect and prevent crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#crime #rates #fall #advances #technology #crimes
It is undeniable in
this
 modern era,
technology
 improves time by time. I agree with the statement that some advantages can make some advancements including security that can detect and prevent crimes. The following paragraph will explore and provide examples. On the
hand
Correct word choice
other hand
show examples
,
technology
 can be an easy way to improve security.
For example
, some houses put cameras as an “eye” that has abilities to watch, to record cord every activity and movement.
In addition
, it is
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
useful for the officer especially the police,
such
 as various cases that can be solved by looking at
this
 recording.
Besides
 that,
technology
 can protect us from bad people when they want to
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 negative desires.
For instance
, lots of companies in the automotive sector give an alarm if someone who is not its owner tries to steal the car by making a
huge
Correct word choice
loud
show examples
 sound and sending a notification to the owner's smartphone.
As a result
, the number of cases of crime will go down.
On the other hand
, the
technology
’s improvement can
also
 be a problem because ,in recent years, offenders
try
Wrong verb form
have tried
show examples
 to use it to get advantages. As an illustration, In Indonesia, there are so many scamming cases by taking people’s money in their bank account through an application or
massage
Correct your spelling
message
show examples
 that has been sent to the victims’ phones. But in fact,
this
 can be tackled with security awareness or even not clicking every link in a
massage
Correct your spelling
message
show examples
.
Last
 but not least, do not share and keep our private username, password or even general information to everyone. In conclusion, I believe that the improvement of
technology
 has more advantages than
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
drawbacks because it can be used as a tool to protect or prevent us from crimes.
Submitted by donihabiburrahman8 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to maintain logical structure.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be strengthened to better frame the essay.
task achievement
Provide more in-depth analysis and development of ideas to fully address the task prompt.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime deterrent
  • high-tech surveillance
  • facial recognition systems
  • omnipresence
  • deter
  • digital forensics
  • ballistic testing
  • revolutionize
  • exonerate
  • root causes
  • social inequality
  • invasion of privacy
  • civil liberties
  • surveillance
  • data collection
  • negative implications
  • cybercrime
  • hacking
  • identity theft
  • online fraud
  • cybersecurity
  • vulnerabilities
  • exploit
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