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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show what percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much.

The charts below show what percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much.
#show #percentage #intake #nutrients #person #usa #snacks
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This
 pie chart depicts the daily proportion of different kinds of nutrients, in the consumption
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the average person in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 in each
sorts
Change to a singular noun
sort
show examples
 of
meals
Fix the agreement mistake
meal
show examples
 and
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
show examples
. It is clear from the graph that, the highest consumption is at the
dinner
 in all of the categories except added
sugar
.
According to
 what is shown,
sodium
 and saturated fat have a similar
percentage
 at
dinner
 accounting for 43% and 37% respectively.
While
 in the added
sugar
 the
percentage
 is 23% at
dinner
. As for
snacks
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
added
sugar
 has the highest proportion
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
snacks
 representing 42%.
Whereas
, both
sodium
 and saturated fat have a tiny difference in their figure accounting for 14% and 21% at
snacks
 respectively.
On the other hand
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
saturated fat and
sodium
 have the same number at breakfast
comprises of
Wrong verb form
comprising
show examples
 16%. As for added
sugar
. there is
also
 a minor difference between the number of
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
sodium
, saturated fat, and added
sugar
 by about 2% to
represents
Wrong verb form
represent
show examples
 14% at breakfast. And
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 we have about the same
percentage
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
sodium
 and saturated fat
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
26% and 29% respectively at lunch. And in added
sugar
Add a comma
sugar,
show examples
 the number is 19% at lunch.
To sum up
, we could say that
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both
dinner
 and
snacks
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the highest
percentage
 compared to the rest categories.
Submitted by asem2017asem2017 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words snacks, dinner, sugar, sodium, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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