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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show what percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much.

The charts below show what percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much.
#show #percentage #intake #nutrients #person #usa #snacks
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This
Linking Words
 pie chart depicts the daily proportion of different kinds of nutrients, in the consumption
of
Change preposition
by
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 the average person in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 in each
sorts
Change to a singular noun
sort
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 of
meals
Fix the agreement mistake
meal
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
show examples
. It is clear from the graph that, the highest consumption is at the
dinner
Use synonyms
 in all of the categories except added
sugar
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown,
sodium
Use synonyms
 and saturated fat have a similar
percentage
Use synonyms
 at
dinner
Use synonyms
 accounting for 43% and 37% respectively.
While
Linking Words
 in the added
sugar
Use synonyms
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 is 23% at
dinner
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. As for
snacks
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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added
sugar
Use synonyms
 has the highest proportion
at
Change preposition
of
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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snacks
Use synonyms
 representing 42%.
Whereas
Linking Words
, both
sodium
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 and saturated fat have a tiny difference in their figure accounting for 14% and 21% at
snacks
Use synonyms
 respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
in
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apply
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saturated fat and
sodium
Use synonyms
 have the same number at breakfast
comprises of
Wrong verb form
comprising
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 16%. As for added
sugar
Use synonyms
. there is
also
Linking Words
 a minor difference between the number of
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
sodium
Use synonyms
, saturated fat, and added
sugar
Use synonyms
 by about 2% to
represents
Wrong verb form
represent
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 14% at breakfast. And
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
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 we have about the same
percentage
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
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sodium
Use synonyms
 and saturated fat
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
26% and 29% respectively at lunch. And in added
Use synonyms
sugar
Add a comma
sugar,
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 the number is 19% at lunch.
To sum up
Linking Words
, we could say that
at
Change preposition
apply
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both
dinner
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 and
snacks
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 compared to the rest categories.
Submitted by asem2017asem2017 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words snacks, dinner, sugar, sodium, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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