IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people claim that arts such as painting and music cannot affect people’s lives directly. The government should spend money on other things. what is your opinion?

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As the modernization of human civilization proceeds, social problems related to the
arts
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 have seemingly proliferated over the past decades. It is myopic to assume that the
arts
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such
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 as painting and
music
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 are not able to affect citizens’ lives directly, and the
government
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 should spend the budget on other schemes.
This
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 decision about the influence of the
arts
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 should depend on the people’s interests.
Besides
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, my position is that the
arts
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 and other fields should be invested on an equal footing by the
government
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. On the one hand, the
arts
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such
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 as paintings and
music
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 affect individuals and communities albeit at different levels. People who have no interest in the
arts
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 will be affected indirectly,
while
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 individuals who work in the
arts
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 area will have a significant impact on painting and
music
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 as a crow flies.
For instance
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, painters and singers are likely to
affect
Wrong verb form
be affected
show examples
 by new trends in and outside the countries and
then
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 they apply what they learn in their works. People who do not work in the art will be influenced by these works indirectly. So, the
arts
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 can affect all people in different ways and at dissimilar levels
On the other hand
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, spending money on other schemes is important, but the
government
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 should allocate a particular amount of capital for the
arts
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.
In other words
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, residents’ material life should be put on priority. And
then
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 the
government
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 can use a
little
Correct word choice
small
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 amount of capital expenditure for spiritual growth to preserve our cultural heritage. In reality, the
government
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 is responsible for many distinctively traditional types of
music
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, namely Vietnamese bolero, through public art programs in order to motivate cultural understanding and cognitive development.
Hence
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,
arts
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 should take a part of the governmental budget. In conclusion, there is a great influence of
arts
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such
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 as painting and
music
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 on individuals and society, which can be considered an essential part of society.
Therefore
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,
government
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 spending should be provided to complement and appreciate our value.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly set the context but could benefit from a more direct thesis statement that outlines your main arguments. Consider specifically stating your viewpoints towards the end of your introduction to help guide the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
While your paragraphs are logically structured, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea. This will enhance coherence and help readers navigate your arguments more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
There are some phrases that could be clearer. For instance, the phrase 'affect by new trends' should be 'affected by new trends.' Ensure grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity throughout your essay.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the importance of arts, and you provide several insightful points about their impact on society.
task achievement
You make effective use of examples to support your claims, especially when discussing the role of the government in preserving cultural heritage.
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