IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people argue that the government should fund music, dance, and arts lessons for children. Others believe that they should pay for these lessons themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #fund #music #dance #arts #lessons #children
Nowadays, there is a controversy on whether artistic learning for
children
such
 as music, dance and art
lessons
 should be aided by
government
funds
 or the
individuals'
Change noun form
individuals
show examples
 finances.
Although
 both views hold merit, my supportive perspective would align more with the latter opinions. On the one hand, there is one main reason why the
funds
 of
government
 will bring various benefits for
children
 and their
parents
. It is
due to
 the massive amount of money in
government
 funding. Provided that artistic
lessons
 are aided by
government
funds
, the enrollment fees of its classes will significantly decrease to a reasonable price.
Therefore
, the possibility of the
parents
 letting their
children
 participate in that classes is likely to rise up which will be beneficial for the
children
 when they are encouraged to expose to the aesthetic world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and help them expand their knowledge of their surroundings.
As a result
,
This
 supportive funding from the
government
 can foster the development of the
children
.
On the other hand
, These
lessons
 should accept money from the individuals themselves. When there is a multitude of artistic learnings outside, the
funds
 supporting those
lessons
 from the
government
 will put a huge burden on their finances because those
funds
 are used for numerous purposes.
Thus
, the citizens should be the investors for these
lessons
, which can result in the expensive price of enrolling on those subjects because those
lessons
 have to rely on the finances of individuals to improve the infrastructure and maintain its activities.
However
, those aesthetic
lessons
 will offer maximized contented experiences for the young participants in order to meet the expectation of their
parents
 because of their dedicated
funds
 which foster the
lessons
' improvement
such
 as facilities, enthusiastic teachers... In conclusion,
although
 the
government
funds
 artistic learning will encourage more
children
 to enrol, the money from their
parents
 should be the main income of its
lessons
 when the encouragement of showing potential effects to
children
 should be the main goal.
Submitted by nguyenmanhthi7111994 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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