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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom

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One of the social concerns today relates to the way
parents
Use synonyms
 look after their
children
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.
While
Linking Words
 it is widely believed that sheltering
Use synonyms
children’s
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action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 is necessary for
parents
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, others believe
children
Use synonyms
 should be independent of their nurturers. I’m going to discuss both these opposing points of view. In my opinion,
parents
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 should only handle every
movements
Change to a singular noun
movement
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 of their
children
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 until they reach a certain age. On the one hand, it is argued that taking care of
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children’s
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 behaviour is important. The main reason is that
children
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 are unaware of the world outside and they are not mature enough to differentiate between good and bad. It is possible to say that parental supervision is compulsory to detect any
unmoral
Correct your spelling
immoral
 issues
as well as
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 physical and mental problems in order to intervene in time.
For instance
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, observing
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children’s
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 unusual activities could help
parents
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 know whether their kids are in a healthy condition or not and
therefore
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 give them solutions. Another possible reason is that
carefully
Change the word
careful
show examples
 supervision is significant for the nurturers to guide their
Use synonyms
children’s
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 study path. One good illustration is that
due to
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 lack of parental monitor,
children
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 could spend a lot of time playing games,
surfing
Correct word choice
and surfing
show examples
 the internet
instead
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 of focusing on studies.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly suggested that
children
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 should feel free to live their lives. People often have
this
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 opinion because when
children
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 have a chance to do things independently, they will feel a sense of accomplishment and pride.
This
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 turns out to be helpful for
children
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 to boost independence and self-confidence skills. A second point is that allowing
children
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 to make their own decisions could develop their responsibility
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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.
This
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 is because
children
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 are more likely to take
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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ownership of choices and be accountable for consequences when making
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 without their parent’s management.
For example
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, if
children
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 make a poor choice of something, they will have to take responsibility for that action and somehow learn from the mistake. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that parental supervision is compulsory when nurturing
children
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,
while
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 other people assume that giving
children
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 freedom can be beneficial in several ways. Personally, I tend to believe that
parents
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 should stay side by side
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
children
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 and guide them until they reach the age of maturity.

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introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint, forming a clear thesis statement.
logical structure
Work on logical sequencing of ideas and paragraphs for improved structure and flow.
coherence
Use a range of cohesive devices (linking words and phrases) to better connect ideas within and across paragraphs.
supported main points
Expand your main points with specific examples to support your arguments effectively.
complete response
Cover all parts of the task more fully to ensure a well-rounded response to the question.
clear comprehensive ideas
Try to elaborate more on your ideas to exhibit depth and develop a comprehensive response to the prompt.
relevant specific examples
Integrate specific, illustrative examples into your essay to substantiate your points and make your argument more convincing.
conclusion
Work on a more impactful concluding paragraph that not only summarizes the key points but also reinforces your stance effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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