IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A lot of individuals support that the best method to enhance community
health
Use synonyms
 is by increasing the number of
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities.
However
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that public
health
Use synonyms
 just can
influenced
Change the verb form
influence
show examples
 a little and that we should take other action. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
show examples
 of view will be explored before discussing my opinion. On the one hand, it is useful for
people
Use synonyms
 if the government will build a lot of free
sports
Use synonyms
 gyms which can give
people
Use synonyms
 an opportunity to participate in
this
Linking Words
 activity.
This
Linking Words
 is because nowadays individuals are living a sedentary lifestyle
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 suffering from many
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 issues,
this
Linking Words
 will be managed by doing a wide variety of
sports
Use synonyms
. Those activities not only can burn
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
calories and decrease obesity
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 can give
people
Use synonyms
 some dopamine which can provide them
good
Change preposition
with good
show examples
 emotions.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in urban
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 is increasing dramatically.
This
Linking Words
 will demand to build more
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these places can give little impact on the
health
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
. The first reason is that
people
Use synonyms
 have more responsibilities at
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 work or school which deliver them
stresses
Fix the agreement mistake
stress
show examples
. The second reason is dietary problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because some foods contain a large amount of preservatives and pesticides. It is challenging for
people
Use synonyms
 to buy
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
healthy food in
morden
Correct your spelling
modern
 societies. From my point of view, the government should impose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
laws which reduce the working hours and make every
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
show examples
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sufficient time
go
Fix the infinitive
to go
show examples
 to the gyms to do
sports
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the authority
also
Linking Words
 should  promote healthier and organic food which can decrease the consumption of junk foods. In conclusion,
according to
Linking Words
 my opinion,the increased
sports
Use synonyms
 facility would provide
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 place where one should do physical activity and improves their
health
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, other factors
such
Linking Words
 as food, time and so on should be managed by the government.
As a result
Linking Words
,
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
 of both
notion
Change to a plural noun
notions
show examples
 is needed.
Submitted by jaehee0203.jh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: