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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#educators #child #instrument
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many education have been insisting on teaching students some courses without considering
child’s
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children’s
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 preferences. some
educators
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claims
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claim
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 that every child should know how to play musical instrument. In the following paragraphs, I shall explain why I disagree with
this
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 statement. Every
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children
Change to a singular noun
child
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 has their own preferences of
subject
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 to study. The
educators
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does
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do
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 not have to dictate
anyone
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to anyone
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 what they need to study. It is because everyone has the ability to learn based
various
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on various
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 factors. if the
educators
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 persist on the
subject
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 that the
children
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 do not like to follow that one, their talent will stay intact and the
educators
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 cannot detect their strong abilities on a particular
subject
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instead
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 their genuine talent will
be obliterate
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be obliterated
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. statistically, it is estimated that only 25% of
children
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 have musical learning tendencies,
whereas
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other
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the other
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 75% of the
children
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 like to study different
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subject
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subjects
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. It has a detrimental influence on
children
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’s
emotion
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emotions
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 if they
dictated
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are dictated
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 to focus on a
subject
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 they do not like. It is believed that every
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children
Change to a singular noun
child
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have
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has
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 their own talent and abilities.
therefore
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 if
children
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will be
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are
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 measured based on
the
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a
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subject
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 like musical
instrument
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instruments
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 they are more likely to fail or in the best case sneraio
the
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they
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 will pass
the
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apply
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it with
the
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a
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 low mark.
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Subsequently
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Subsequently,
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 it has a negative impact on
children
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 and they consider they’re not enough to pursue
they
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their
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desire
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desired
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 career. Shockingly, it takes
huge
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a huge
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 effort to get the
children
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 out of the situation.
For
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example
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example,
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 A friend of mine was asked to become a doctor,
however
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, he had a fond for engineering. after a few
of
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apply
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years of studying medical
courses
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courses,
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 he
then
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shift
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shifted
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 his career to architectural engineering but his emotions
demolished
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were demolished
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 by the cause. In conclusion,
children
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 must be respected by the
educators
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.
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otherwise
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otherwise,
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 it has
an irretrievable effects
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an irretrievable effect
irretrievable effects
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 on
children
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.
therefore
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 it not only destroys
children
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’s
emotion
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emotions
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 but
also
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it
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apply
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affects
the
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apply
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society as a whole.
Submitted by mohammad.saffarian on

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task response
Your introduction and conclusion are present but can be improved with a clearer thesis statement and summary of the main points. Work on organizing your main points in a more logical order to strengthen your essay's coherence. Utilize more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments and address the task prompt more directly.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear response to the prompt and expressed comprehensive ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the organization of your ideas and the use of relevant examples to bolster your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • educators
  • taught
  • play a musical instrument
  • benefits
  • cognitive skills
  • academic performance
  • physical coordination
  • motor skills
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • express themselves
  • self-confidence
  • stress relief
  • relaxation
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • inclusivity
  • equal access
  • arts education
  • practical challenges
  • implementing
  • universal
  • balance
  • mandatory
  • academic subjects
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