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Band 4.5

Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#educators #child #instrument
many education have been insisting on teaching students some courses without considering
child’s
Fix the agreement mistake
children’s
show examples
 preferences. some
educators
claims
Change the verb form
claim
show examples
 that every child should know how to play musical instrument. In the following paragraphs, I shall explain why I disagree with
this
 statement. Every
children
Change to a singular noun
child
show examples
 has their own preferences of
subject
 to study. The
educators
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not have to dictate
anyone
Change preposition
to anyone
show examples
 what they need to study. It is because everyone has the ability to learn based
various
Change preposition
on various
show examples
 factors. if the
educators
 persist on the
subject
 that the
children
 do not like to follow that one, their talent will stay intact and the
educators
 cannot detect their strong abilities on a particular
subject
instead
 their genuine talent will
be obliterate
Change the verb form
be obliterated
show examples
. statistically, it is estimated that only 25% of
children
 have musical learning tendencies,
whereas
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 75% of the
children
 like to study different
subject
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subjects
show examples
. It has a detrimental influence on
children
’s
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
 if they
dictated
Add a missing verb
are dictated
show examples
 to focus on a
subject
 they do not like. It is believed that every
children
Change to a singular noun
child
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 their own talent and abilities.
therefore
 if
children
will be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 measured based on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
subject
 like musical
instrument
Fix the agreement mistake
instruments
show examples
 they are more likely to fail or in the best case sneraio
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 will pass
the
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apply
show examples
it with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 low mark.
Subsequently
Add a comma
Subsequently,
show examples
 it has a negative impact on
children
 and they consider they’re not enough to pursue
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
desire
Wrong verb form
desired
show examples
 career. Shockingly, it takes
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 effort to get the
children
 out of the situation.
For
example
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example,
show examples
 A friend of mine was asked to become a doctor,
however
, he had a fond for engineering. after a few
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
years of studying medical
courses
Add a comma
courses,
show examples
 he
then
shift
Wrong verb form
shifted
show examples
 his career to architectural engineering but his emotions
demolished
Add a missing verb
were demolished
show examples
 by the cause. In conclusion,
children
 must be respected by the
educators
.
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 it has
an irretrievable effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
an irretrievable effect
irretrievable effects
show examples
 on
children
.
therefore
 it not only destroys
children
’s
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
 but
also
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
affects
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as a whole.
Submitted by mohammad.saffarian on

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task response
Your introduction and conclusion are present but can be improved with a clearer thesis statement and summary of the main points. Work on organizing your main points in a more logical order to strengthen your essay's coherence. Utilize more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments and address the task prompt more directly.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear response to the prompt and expressed comprehensive ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the organization of your ideas and the use of relevant examples to bolster your arguments.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • educators
  • taught
  • play a musical instrument
  • benefits
  • cognitive skills
  • academic performance
  • physical coordination
  • motor skills
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • express themselves
  • self-confidence
  • stress relief
  • relaxation
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • inclusivity
  • equal access
  • arts education
  • practical challenges
  • implementing
  • universal
  • balance
  • mandatory
  • academic subjects
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