IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
Some individuals point out that in
order
 to ramp up public
health
 the number of
facilities
 might
increase
,
while
, Some
people
 believe that it has
fractional
Add an article
a fractional
show examples
 effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
. In the following
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss both views and elaborate
them
Change preposition
on them
show examples
. The number of athletic
facilities
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 a sense of passion for the public. they would normally establish in parks, gyms and so on. Thousands of
people
 would go to parks for jogging, running and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 pleasant time and these
facilities
 could draw many individual’s attention.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 in
Iran
Add a comma
,Iran
show examples
 there are many
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
, which are established in parks.
It is clear that
 those
people
 who may go to the park and work
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the athletic
facilities
 are much happier than those who are not attending. I agree with
this
 opinion
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it not only helps the
people
 who use these
facilities
 but
also
 they may affect others to come and work with
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
them. Some individuals argue that it has
marginal
Add an article
a marginal
show examples
 effect on public
health
 and it is because the
facilities
 itself does not make
people
 healthy and other measures require to be addressed before any changes in the public may take place.
Firstly
, the mindset might be rooted in the brain in
order
 to
increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
. Some
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 must be put in place in
order
 to
increase
 social awareness.
Secondly
, the expertise must assess
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are main drivers of
people
 in
order
 to make them active. I disagree with
this
 statement and it is because if the authorities and expertise waiting for the assessment
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
 will be decreased.
In addition
, erecting some
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 might be
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sufficient enough to
increase
 social awareness. In conclusion, I agree with the
people
 who believe that the best approach for public
health
 is to
increase
 sports
facilities
 and the reason for
that is
 that these
facilities
 draw many
people
’s attention.
Therefore
, it makes
people
 happier in their lives.
However
, some
people
 argue that
expertise
Replace the word
experts
show examples
 need to assess what are the main drivers to make them more exercise.
Submitted by mohammad.saffarian on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: