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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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Some individuals point out that in
order
Use synonyms
 to ramp up public
health
Use synonyms
 the number of
facilities
Use synonyms
 might
increase
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
, Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it has
fractional
Add an article
a fractional
show examples
 effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
. In the following
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss both views and elaborate
them
Change preposition
on them
show examples
. The number of athletic
facilities
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create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 a sense of passion for the public. they would normally establish in parks, gyms and so on. Thousands of
people
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 would go to parks for jogging, running and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 pleasant time and these
facilities
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 could draw many individual’s attention.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 in
Iran
Add a comma
,Iran
show examples
 there are many
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
, which are established in parks.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 those
people
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 who may go to the park and work
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the athletic
facilities
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 are much happier than those who are not attending. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it not only helps the
people
Use synonyms
 who use these
facilities
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 but
also
Linking Words
 they may affect others to come and work with
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
them. Some individuals argue that it has
marginal
Add an article
a marginal
show examples
 effect on public
health
Use synonyms
 and it is because the
facilities
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 itself does not make
people
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 healthy and other measures require to be addressed before any changes in the public may take place.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the mindset might be rooted in the brain in
order
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 to
increase
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
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. Some
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 must be put in place in
order
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 to
increase
Use synonyms
 social awareness.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the expertise must assess
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are main drivers of
people
Use synonyms
 in
order
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 to make them active. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and it is because if the authorities and expertise waiting for the assessment
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
 will be decreased.
In addition
Linking Words
, erecting some
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 might be
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sufficient enough to
increase
Use synonyms
 social awareness. In conclusion, I agree with the
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that the best approach for public
health
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 is to
increase
Use synonyms
 sports
facilities
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 and the reason for
that is
Linking Words
 that these
facilities
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 draw many
people
Use synonyms
’s attention.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it makes
people
Use synonyms
 happier in their lives.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
expertise
Replace the word
experts
show examples
 need to assess what are the main drivers to make them more exercise.
Submitted by mohammad.saffarian on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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