IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Ongoing debates regarding that whether the rising population at working age rather than the old is beneficial to our society. Opposing the stance which claims that
this
 trend appears with more disadvantages, I strongly support that much more upsides it can bring to us concerning our national modernization and individual
pressure
. On the one hand, an adjustment of population structure towards a
youth
-dominance can inject impetus
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
country's
Correct article usage
a country's
show examples
 development.
Firstly
, a large number of young adults provide
adequate
Correct article usage
an adequate
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force, which serves as an engine for national development.
Secondly
, compared with the old,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation is inspiring more innovative ideas in the field of technology, governance and society, eventually, these creations compose a supportive pillar in a modernizing state. What's more, with no doubts,
youth
 form the mainstream group shouldering responsibilities of national industrialization,
therefore
,
larger
Correct article usage
the larger
show examples
 the crops
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
,
faster
Correct article usage
the faster
show examples
 the aim can be achieved.
On the other hand
, over past decades, young individuals suffer from a great deal of
pressure
 posing
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 employment, baby raising, high livelihood cost and elder nursing.
Hence
, relatively speaking, the pattern characterizing a larger number of young adults and
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
show examples
 aged population can effectively reduce the young's
pressure
. China,
for instance
, demonstrates distinctly different
pressure
 of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
youth
grown
Wrong verb form
growing
show examples
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 various types of
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. The young one will face more difficulties in
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 one-child family than one who has siblings after the abolishment of
restriction
Correct article usage
the restriction
show examples
 policy.
Moreover
，it is arguable that some opponents believe that old people embrace experienced skills in many aspects, which means they can accomplish an identical job in a more swift way with a shorter duration than the young.
However
, out of the retired law, a man
stop
Change the verb form
stops
show examples
 working at a certain age, and
then
, the young generation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to take over
elders'
Correct article usage
the elders'
show examples
 positions.
Therefore
, it is conducive to involve more
youth
 in
such
 job training as early as possible so that the number of skilled young
labors
Replace the word
labourers
show examples
 will keep increasing in future. In
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, when it comes to the social development and livelihood satisfaction of
youth
, I firmly agree that the advantages outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 on the issue of relatively enlarging
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 group.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: