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Band 4.5

Nowadays most people are not as fit and active, as they were in the past. What are the main causes of this situation? Suggest some possible solutions.

#people #situation
It is undeniable that
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
 the
Thai
people
 display an average weight higher than
people
 in the past, the problem leads to
Thai
people
,
faceing
Correct your spelling
facing
 unhealthy and following up cases with doctors. The following paragraph will detail the cause of unhealthy
people
 and some recommendations. It is true to say that today socializing and working illustrate
totally
Change the word
total
show examples
 change once compared to the past.
As a result
,
Thai
people
 have been changing their lifestyle. They have no time to go to the gym.
Additionally
, new technology has
become
Verb problem
come
show examples
 to help and support humans,
getting
Wrong verb form
get
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 an easy lifestyle. As in the previous paragraph,
firstly
 the
food
 choice of the modern generation has changed and they consume more junk
food
such
 as pizza,
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
 etc.
Secondly
, new job types spend a long time sitting and focusing on computers to finish their jobs.
In addition
, they have become related to electrical devices
such
 as washing machines, dishwashers and
food
 processors.
On the other hand
, in the past
Thai
people
 had to walk long Km. to their work but now they use the subway, BTS or car to get to their workplace. A possible solution to solve the problem would encourage
people
 to avoid fast
food
 and cook at their home to get more quality
food
, and at least an hour of workout daily.
This
 could be done by social media and educational programs at the school level.
Additionally
, the
Thai
 government should use a lot of media and social platforms to promote good activities,
for example
 how to walk for over 30 minutes daily , yoga program
as
Change preposition
in
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 the right position and motivate the whole nation to stay fit.
Lastly
, the government can collect higher taxes on junk
food
.
This
 is the way
people
 may stop purchasing
such
 expensive
food
 items
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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