IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays,
children
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 have too much freedom in some aspects.
Although
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this
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 is the case for some families, I believe that they should be given
time
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 to relax.
To begin
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 with,
children
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 today have too much freedom when it comes to access to technology which is a major source or form of addiction among teenagers ,especially the internet. Virtual community has somewhat become a reality for most youngsters and their immediate family become a secondary or worse temporary, jeopardizing communication among family members which is the foundation of good morals and right conduct.
Moreover
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, allowing them to play video games and surf the internet without restrictions and limits may lead to a sedentary lifestyle.
This
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 is a risk factor for health problems like obesity and cardiac issues aside from consuming excessive junk foods and snacks with high sugar content which young
children
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 have easy access to as well.
Furthermore
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,
children
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also
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 need to have downtime to relax.
Firstly
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, break
time
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 from the usual academic chores of a child is essential for a well-balanced individual.
For example
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, they can join an art club which some schools offer, where they can learn how to appreciate beauty and expand their horizons.
Secondly
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, breathing
time
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 gives youngsters a chance to develop individualism and independence.
For instance
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, youths can join youth camps where parents are not allowed to sit. Being away from their parents and home can help them be confident enough to make tough decisions and solve problems on their own. These good qualities can be beneficial in their future careers
as well as
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 in developing creative minds to achieve their dreams. In conclusion,
although
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 young
children
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 have more freedom in lifestyle like the choice of food and leisure, I believe they should have breathing
time
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 which will allow them to develop as individuals.

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Introduction & Conclusion
The essay does have an introduction and conclusion present, which is good, but they could be further strengthened by clearly stating your position in the introduction and summarizing it again in the conclusion for reinforcement.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is present, with clear paragraphs that each discuss a separate point. However, transitions and linking words could be used more effectively to tie the ideas together.
Supporting Main Points
Your main points are supported with some examples, but they could be more specific and clearly connected to the argument you are making. Personal or more varied examples would enhance the argument's strength.
Task Response
The response to the task is somewhat complete, but your position on the extent of your agreement or disagreement is not consistently clear throughout the essay. Make sure your opinion is clearly expressed and maintained throughout the essay, with a clear thesis statement that is referred back to in each paragraph.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
The ideas presented are clear but not always comprehensive. Develop each point fully with deeper analysis or explanation to ensure that the ideas are not only stated but also explored in terms of their implications and consequences.
Relevant & Specific Examples
The examples used are somewhat relevant but lack specificity. Using more concrete and detailed examples can substantiate your arguments more effectively, making them more persuasive and less general. Avoid broad statements by providing factual, precise examples.
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