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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The tendency of news reports in the media to focus more on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful to the individuals and the society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#tendency #news #reports #media #focus #emergencies #developments #individuals #society
There is some trajectory that assumes that
news
 reports in the media are harmful to individuals and
society
 as a whole if they are focusing more on problems and emergencies than positive developments. I completely agree that
people
 from
society
 observe the
news
 from many sources but if there
show
Verb problem
are
show examples
 only problems or negative things, it will make
people
 or
society
 in a bad way.
Firstly
, the most dangerous thing that can change the thinking of humans is
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
the sources or contents that they observe.
In other words
, if the
news
 only reports bad things to
people
 who are reading or watching them, it will make their brains think that the negative things are normal in the everyday life of them.
This
 means that it is not only harmful to
people
 but
also
 to the whole
society
 where they live. At the moment, Irish
people
 who watch negative
news
 have got more emotional in a bad way when something happens.
However
,
this
 report is not worldwide, and there are some countries that might not
affect
Wrong verb form
be affected
show examples
 by these happenings, but not Ireland. The other reason is that
people
 will develop their minds from where they
lived
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
.
This
 is the common thought in the Thailand curriculum that telling
people
 will become where the environment
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them be. So if they live with pain, negative thinking, chaos, problems, and so on, the way
how
Rephrase
apply
show examples
they think
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 less positive ways.
This
 means it is very harmful to
people
 who do not know how to manage their feelings. In conclusion, the ways that are harmful to
people
 and
society
 as a whole is the environments, in which human
lived
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
,
such
 as the tendency of
news
 reports.
Submitted by odod_aja on

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task achievement
Stay on point. While introducing various aspects of the issue in your essay, try not to go off tangent. The relevance of your examples could be more pronounced if it directly addresses the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with clearly identifiable introduction, main body and conclusion. However, work on enhancing the link between paragraphs for better coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Your nuance of vocabulary demonstrated in the essay is appropriate and aids in the conveyance of your ideas. Work on increasing the range of vocabulary and implementing more complex lexicon within your work.
grammatical range
Overall, your grammatical range being used within the essay is on the right track. However, there are some sentences with awkward construction and redundancy that could be improved. Keep practicing with complex sentences and punctuation usage.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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