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Band 4

In many countries, there are a lot of students who commit suicide each year. What are the reasons for this? What are the solutions?

#countries #students #suicide #year
It has become increasingly common for many pupils
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
problems
 in their school , leading to deteriorating standards of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. Some people believe that parents should negotiate responsibilities with
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 lives .
However
, I think we should look after the lives of
students
. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we should discuss
this
 problem. No one can deny the fact that it is important to take care of the physical and mental health of
students
 in school and we should sympathize with
problems
 which
students
met
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
, but recently ,
students
 do not have the freedom to do anything and are stressed about scores. The immediate result it produces is pupils have
lower
Add an article
a lower
show examples
 standard of living , so they have many
disease
Change to a plural noun
diseases
show examples
 about health like depression .Perhaps the most obvious result of
that is
students
 will have deteriorating standards of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 like suicide or
society
Replace the word
societal
show examples
 vices .Nothing could be apparent
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 evidence that
In japan
Correct your spelling
in Japan
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
 suicide has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not have anything
about
Change preposition
to
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 reduce .
By contrast
 , we should sympathize with
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
.Probably there is some truth in the idea that have many
problems
 in society which we should cut down. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand , one thing
thich
Correct your spelling
which
 is equally important is that the government takes the lead to reduce these
problems
 . The police take the interest of
students
 into account or should have many outdoor activities ,
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 it is
also
 responsible for pupils to polish up their lifestyle and mentality .As
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
students
 do not have bad things or bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
In addition
 , we should bring information about student's rights is widely disseminated by mass media . The most familiar example of
this
In
Add a missing verb
is In
show examples
switzerland
Change the capitalization
Switzerland
show examples
has the highest happiness rate because the government always focus on improving the lives of people . By
contrasting
Change the form of the verb
contrast
show examples
, we should not exercise
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 much control over their
students
 . In conclusion ,
students
 or teenager is
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 , so the government or people should
Add a missing verb
be interest
show examples
interest
Replace the word
interested
show examples
 of more their life and sympathize with them
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction, a thesis statement, and a conclusion that summarize the main points. Be sure to include these to frame your essay properly and guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ideas in the essay are quite disorganized and sometimes difficult to follow. It is important to use clear paragraphing with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence.
task achievement
The response to the task is incomplete and the essay does not adequately address the reasons for student suicide nor does it offer specific solutions. Ensure that you directly answer the question by explaining reasons and proposing realistic solutions. Expand on the points with detailed justifications and examples.
task achievement
The essay sometimes deviates from the topic and includes general statements that do not provide clear and comprehensive ideas. It is essential to stay focused on the topic and develop ideas that are relevant to the question.
task achievement
The examples provided are insufficient and not fully relevant, which affects the overall task response. Use more specific examples to support your points, and make sure they are directly related to the topic at hand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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