IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

In some countries, traditional leisure activities like dance, music, and sports are becoming less popular among young people. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#countries #leisure #activities #dance #music #sports #people #development
It is pretty evident that
due to
 the development of online services and the internet ,itself young
people
 spend more and more
time
 playing video games, watching series and surfing the World Wide Web. Taking up a new hobby for the young generation is normal nowadays and I think they have a beneficial impact on them. To start with,
activities
such
 as binge-watching series or playing video games help unwind and relax.
Moreover
, they serve as an option to escape from worries in real life and
people
 can use
this
time
 to calm down.
For example
 , after a hard day at school or at work
people
 can enjoy their favourite game and it would psych up them and give them some energy for
further
 work.
In addition
, with all the different plots and scenarios games endeavour
people
 to think in creative ways. Thereby, developing
people
’s imagination.
Secondly
, non-traditional
activities
 can foster interest in education, especially, in the subject of history.
For instance
, a lot of streaming services do mini-series or films about historical events. Advanced graphics and great quality appeal
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 attention of users and they decide to set aside some
time
 to watch those episodes. Shredding light on
this
 historical subject not only teaches
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 evolves their critical thinking.
To conclude
, despite all changes in selected leisure
activities
 and hobbies
people
 still get positive effects from them. Digitalised hobbies are pleasant to do and at the same ,
time
 they enhance a lot of skills that individuals can use in future.
Furthermore
, those
activities
 help
people
’s mental health and maintain their well being
Submitted by sevrukov.stepan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: