IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #art #children #school #waste #time
Some individuals believe that art is
an
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a
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 substantial
topics
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topic
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 for
children
 at
school
whereas
 others feel
that
is
Correct your spelling
it
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 is a waste of time. In my perspective, the
curriculum
 of
school
 should focus on useful subjects
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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science
,
technology
Correct word choice
and technology
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 rather than
arts
. On the one hand, some argue that
arts
such
 as, painting, music,
Correct word choice
and theater
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theater
Change the spelling
theatre
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 should be part
in
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of
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 the
curriculum
 in
school
.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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arts
 can
boosts
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boost
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 creativity
at
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in
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children
.
For example
, painting can make
children
thinking
Wrong verb form
think
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 out of
box
Add an article
the box
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 and increase their imagination.
Furthermore
,
researches
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research
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showed
Wrong verb form
has shown
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 that
arts
 can help
to
Verb problem
apply
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mitigate
the
Correct article usage
apply
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stress and help
students
to
Verb problem
apply
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relax.
Therefore
,
arts
 can assist
to increase
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in increasing
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 the performance of
students
 in
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
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subjects.
On the other hand
, I would like to agree with those people who believe that the
curriculum
 should concentrate
in
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on
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 valuable topics
instead
 of
arts
. To
being
Verb problem
begin
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 with, the
arts
does
Change the verb form
do
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 not provide vital services to society, because
arts
only
Add a missing verb
are only
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 for entertainment, and
then
 the
school
 should focus
to teach
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on teaching
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students
science
 and technology.
The
Correct your spelling
This
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 is
due to
 the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 we need a lot of
porfessional
Correct your spelling
professional
professionals
 in different fields, medicine, engineering, IT, because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
need
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needs
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this
 occupation in order to live
better
Correct article usage
a better
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live
Replace the word
life
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.
For instance
, when
Correct article usage
the Covid-19
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Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
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 pandemic started , the medical staff
play
Wrong verb form
played
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 a significant role
to prevent
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in preventing
show examples
 us
to get
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from getting
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this
 virus, which
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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indicated the importance of
educate
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educating
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students
Change preposition
about
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science
instead
 of
arts
. In conclusion, In my opinion, teaching
children
arts
 is considered
waste
Add an article
a waste
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 of money and time, and the
curriculum
 should concentrate
crucial
Change preposition
on crucial
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 subjects namely
science
 ,
technology
Correct word choice
and technology
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, because it
is provide
Change the verb form
provides
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 necessary services to communities.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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Conclusion
Your introductory paragraph presents both views and your opinion clearly, but the conclusion is weak. It does not effectively summarize your main points and opinion. Ensure that your conclusion is strong and clearly restates your main arguments and opinion.
Supporting points
You have some supporting points for both views, but some of your arguments lack development. Make sure to elaborate on each point by providing examples, reasons, and explanations in order to fully support your claims.
Logical structure
Your essay has a logical structure, but the development of ideas is inconsistent. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your points are developed coherently throughout the essay.
Task response
Your ideas are relevant to the topic, but the response may not fully address all aspects of the question. Ensure that you provide a balanced discussion of both views and give a clear opinion with supporting arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • cultural awareness
  • tolerant society
  • STEM subjects
  • employability
  • rigorous subjects
  • curriculum
  • school budgets
  • enriches
  • complements
What to do next:
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