IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #art #children #school #waste #time
Some individuals believe that art is
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 substantial
topics
Change the noun form
topic
show examples
 for
children
 at
school
whereas
 others feel
that
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 is a waste of time. In my perspective, the
curriculum
 of
school
 should focus on useful subjects
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
science
,
technology
Correct word choice
and technology
show examples
 rather than
arts
. On the one hand, some argue that
arts
such
 as, painting, music,
Correct word choice
and theater
show examples
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 should be part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
curriculum
 in
school
.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
arts
 can
boosts
Change the verb form
boost
show examples
 creativity
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
.
For example
, painting can make
children
thinking
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 out of
box
Add an article
the box
show examples
 and increase their imagination.
Furthermore
,
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
showed
Wrong verb form
has shown
show examples
 that
arts
 can help
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mitigate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress and help
students
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
relax.
Therefore
,
arts
 can assist
to increase
Change preposition
in increasing
show examples
 the performance of
students
 in
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
subjects.
On the other hand
, I would like to agree with those people who believe that the
curriculum
 should concentrate
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 valuable topics
instead
 of
arts
. To
being
Verb problem
begin
show examples
 with, the
arts
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not provide vital services to society, because
arts
only
Add a missing verb
are only
show examples
 for entertainment, and
then
 the
school
 should focus
to teach
Change preposition
on teaching
show examples
students
science
 and technology.
The
Correct your spelling
This
show examples
 is
due to
 the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 we need a lot of
porfessional
Correct your spelling
professional
professionals
 in different fields, medicine, engineering, IT, because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
this
 occupation in order to live
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.
For instance
, when
Correct article usage
the Covid-19
show examples
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
 pandemic started , the medical staff
play
Wrong verb form
played
show examples
 a significant role
to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
show examples
 us
to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
this
 virus, which
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
indicated the importance of
educate
Change the verb form
educating
show examples
students
Change preposition
about
show examples
science
instead
 of
arts
. In conclusion, In my opinion, teaching
children
arts
 is considered
waste
Add an article
a waste
show examples
 of money and time, and the
curriculum
 should concentrate
crucial
Change preposition
on crucial
show examples
 subjects namely
science
 ,
technology
Correct word choice
and technology
show examples
, because it
is provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 necessary services to communities.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion
Your introductory paragraph presents both views and your opinion clearly, but the conclusion is weak. It does not effectively summarize your main points and opinion. Ensure that your conclusion is strong and clearly restates your main arguments and opinion.
Supporting points
You have some supporting points for both views, but some of your arguments lack development. Make sure to elaborate on each point by providing examples, reasons, and explanations in order to fully support your claims.
Logical structure
Your essay has a logical structure, but the development of ideas is inconsistent. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your points are developed coherently throughout the essay.
Task response
Your ideas are relevant to the topic, but the response may not fully address all aspects of the question. Ensure that you provide a balanced discussion of both views and give a clear opinion with supporting arguments.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • cultural awareness
  • tolerant society
  • STEM subjects
  • employability
  • rigorous subjects
  • curriculum
  • school budgets
  • enriches
  • complements
What to do next:
Look at other essays: