IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In the future people will not need to have schools, galleries, museums or libraries because everything from education to culture and entertainment will be available online. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#future #people #schools #galleries #museums #libraries #education #culture #entertainment #support
There has been a hot debate among people if
education
 or culture should be moved from buildings to online in
further
 years. Personally, I do not agree with
this
 statement because online
education
 can not replace a teacher and his skills,
while
 online cultural activities do not raise interest for many people. Foremost among disadvantages, as previously mentioned is related to the
education
 field. A teacher has many tasks not just to provide information. He must bring children's attention with interactive games or has to observe the general progress of pupils.
For instance
, a child who does not benefit from personal explanations is prone to lose the general rhythm and will find it very difficult later to reach the class level.
Furthermore
, in schools students have social interactions, they share each other opinions and create strong friendships or learn how to live in a society.
However
, many people keen on art prefer to admire galleries in reality. Many paints are appreciated for their technique and the colour mixture which can be observed better in reality.
Furthermore
, there are many
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
works of art
show examples
 done in huge sizes which look tremendous in museums, and provide an emotion difficult to
be obtained
Wrong verb form
obtain
show examples
 in front of screens.
In addition
, a real book from the library with vintage pages, and a specific smell, provides a pleasant feeling during reading. The online book has some benefits
such
 as easier storage but the readers find it difficult to keep their focus on the long term
due to
 the blue light of the screens. In conclusion, buildings where
education
 or entertainment can be done physically
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should be kept because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 those places provide many advantages
such
 as human interaction or particular emotions which can not be found in the online world.
Submitted by iftenevlad on

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task achievement
Your introduction addresses the topic and clearly states your opinion. However, it could be smoother and more engaging. Consider rephrasing for better flow.
task achievement
While your main points are relevant and clear, some ideas are repeated or not fully developed. Try to elaborate more on each point and avoid redundancy.
coherence cohesion
Structuring paragraphs with clear topic sentences and supporting details can help improve coherence. Make sure each paragraph starts with a clear main idea.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to create smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help the essay flow better.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and a concluding paragraph that summarizes your points effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task well by presenting a clear stance and supporting it with relevant reasons and examples.
task achievement
You use specific examples to support your ideas, which enhances the argument and makes it more convincing.
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