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Band 5.5

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to protect themselves. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #responsibility #individuals
In some
cases
,
people
 think the
government
 has to be responsible for crime
however
 others believe that it is the responsibility of the individual to protect themselves. In my opinion, I believe that the
government
 should deal with all
cases
 because they have the power to change the laws On the one hand, some
people
 think that the
government
 is the best way to deal with crimes, and I agree. The law can deal with anyone who
broke
Wrong verb form
breaks
show examples
 the law because they have professional judges who have given the offenders a good sentence.
For example
, if somebody kills someone by mistake they will give him the chance to talk to the solicitor to give him the advice to get less sentenced.
Furthermore
, the
government
 has a lot of ways to punish the offenders
such
 as corporal punishment and capital punishment, or some punishments can change the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of
people
 who are breaking the law
such
 as cleaning the street or helping
people
 who have any problem.
On the other hand
 in some countries, the citizens are more powerful than the
government
. Usually, citizens can deal with any case because they are part of the community who have seen all the
cases
 in their area. Another reason why individuals are the best way to protect themselves is that they try and experience
this
 problem and maybe
this
 issue happens to one of their family and that leads them to protect their society from any other problems, that could happen and deal to intercept the safety of
this
 community inside these countries
To sum up
 I believe that the
government
 has to deal with all
cases
 because they are the most important part of the country
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task response
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, but the analysis is limited. You should provide a more balanced treatment of the two perspectives and develop your arguments with more depth and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and depth. Your essay would benefit from a more developed introduction that clearly outlines the different perspectives. The conclusion should summarize your main points and provide a clear stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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