IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government, while others believe that individuals should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #responsibility #government #individuals
Some believe that public
health
 is the
responsibility
 of the authorities,
whereas
 others feel that
people
 should be responsible for their own
health
. In my opinion, the government have
main
Add an article
the main
show examples
responsibility
 for their
citizens
Change to a genitive case
citizen's
citizens'
show examples
health
 rather than
citizens
Correct article usage
the citizens
show examples
. On the one hand, some think
individuals
 should take
responsibility
 for their
health
 rather than the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
. They think if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals
 become responsible
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
health
this
 can encourage them to adopt healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. To illustrate, they will eat healthy food and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 sports.
As a result
,
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle can prevent
people
 to develop serious diseases namely, cancer, overweight,
heart
Correct word choice
and heart
show examples
 attack.
On the other hand
, I would like to agree with those who believe
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
governments
 should become responsible
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
citizens
 .
Firstly
,
people
 have paid taxes to
governments
.
Consequently
, the
governments
 should use these funds to provide
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 healthcare system namely, hospitals,
clinics
Correct word choice
and clinics
show examples
 with affordable prices
as well as
 quality services for
individuals
.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Saudi Arabia
offer
Change the verb form
offers
show examples
 free healthcare for all
citizens
 with
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 medical services.
Secondly
, the
governments
 have
power
Change the article
the power
show examples
 to introduce laws in order
Fix the infinitive
to
show examples
make regulations regarding
force
Replace the word
forcing
show examples
 restaurants to make
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 food.
Therefore
,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
regulations can enhance
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
overall
health
 and prevent them to develop serious diseases namely, obesity,
cancer
Correct word choice
and cancer
show examples
, because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
diseases result
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 unhealthy food.
To sum up
, In my perspective,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overall
health
 is the
responsibility
 of the government rather than
individuals
, because
people
 already have paid taxes to the
governments
, and the
governments
 have powerful tools to promote healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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