Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has negative effects on themselves and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Young people tend to spend the majority of their free
time
in shopping centers
recently. Change the spelling
centres
However
, many people believe that going shopping brings us more drawbacks for ourselves and the community than benefits. From my point of view, I firmly agree with this
statement as going shopping is an interesting way for us to entertain ourselves. Although
, we need to manage the amount of time
and money we spend on it to avoid it being a huge issue for our finances.
On the one hand, spending time
in shopping malls can be seen as a way for us to heal after a hard working day. For instance
, people tend to buy things that they have dreamed of for a long time
as a reward for the effort they put into their work. Therefore
, they can easily reduce stress and take care of themselves.
On the other hand
, nowadays, there are a lot of advertisements appear
on various social media sites Wrong verb form
appearing
such
as Facebook, Tiktok
and Instagram which Correct your spelling
TikTok
attracts
users and make them desire to purchase and consume the products especially teenagers who access Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
to
the internet the most. Change preposition
apply
As a result
, if we spend too much our
free Change preposition
of our
time
in shopping malls, instead
a
entertainment way, it will become Correct your spelling
of
to be
a big challenge for us to control the amount of money we spend on shopping.
In conclusion, I slightly agree that going shopping has disadvantages to ourselves and Verb problem
apply
the
society because Correct article usage
apply
of beside
Correct your spelling
besides
help
us to relax and reduce stress, it Wrong verb form
helping
also
make
Change the verb form
makes
us
hard to manage our finances.Correct pronoun usage
it
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on
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Task Response
Your introduction provides a clear viewpoint but could be more concise by directly stating your agreement with the statement without the segment about shopping being interesting entertainment. Focus on clearly aligning your points to your thesis early on.
Coherence and Cohesion
While you have a logical structure, make sure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis. The transition between ideas could be smoother, ensuring each body paragraph directly connects to the negative effects of spending too much time in shopping malls.
Task Response
Incorporate more specific examples and research to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention studies that show the impact of advertisements on teenagers or detail the financial struggles faced by habitual shoppers.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes but could restate your position more strongly, reaffirming your agreement with the negative impacts discussed.
Task Response
Your essay covers different aspects of the issue, highlighting both the potential benefits and drawbacks of spending time in shopping malls.
Task Response
You provide a balanced view, acknowledging the complexities of the issue, which enhances your argument's depth.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.