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Many people try to balance work and other parts of their life. However, this is very difficult to do What are the problems associated with this? What is the best way to achieve a better balance?

#people #balance #work #parts #life
With globalization, younger adults face fierce competition nowadays. In
this
 case, it gives rise to more and more discussions concerning mental health and work-life
balance
.
Also
, doctors and experts insistently call on the importance of
balance
 in life cannot be ignored. It is obvious that the competitive atmosphere gradually aggravates
this
 generation, especially in Asian society. Most of us were urged to enrich a variety of abilities,
such
 as math competitions, and science exhibitions, in order to polish our experiences and gain a well-paid occupation.
Nevertheless
,
this
 phenomenon leads to immense stress and depression for graduates,
job-seeks
Correct your spelling
job seekers
show examples
, and workers as well. Ultimately, all these negative feelings may contribute to not only mental problems but
also
 chronic illness. These problems may reduce working effectiveness
Consequently
,
although
 career development is vital, it cannot overemphasize the importance of work-life
balance
.
While
 there are some drawbacks, the experts and the doctors figure out some manners to face the problems.
Firstly
, the enterprises could enact some strategies for employees’ work duration; with
this
 method, it can effectively control their working hours and
also
 prevent them from being exhausted.
Besides
, the government could provide preferential principles and occupation
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
 to the graduates and the people who are unemployed, it can release some stress for those who lack professional skills and the graduates who set a high career target. In conclusion, despite the fact that we cannot avoid the trend of a highly competitive society, we can put more emphasis on employees’ mental health
also
 work-life
balance
.
Moreover
, the nation’s government and companies can offer a certain policy and support to the workers who spare no effort to increase the nation’s GDP. With some strategies and cooperation, we can make our society much more effective and complete.
Submitted by wayne685241 on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay addresses the problems associated with work-life balance and suggests ways to achieve a better balance. However, the discussion lacks depth and does not fully develop the ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a logical structure with an introduction and conclusion. However, the development of ideas and supporting points could be strengthened to improve coherence and cohesion. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively and help the essay flow better.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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