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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lesson in school. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lesson #school
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It is argued that
,
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apply
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increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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 count of obese people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 making it difficult for
Use synonyms
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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centers
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centres
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 to deal with the
health
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 issues involved. Many
believes
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believe
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 that introducing and emphasizing
on
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apply
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more physical
education
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
education
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 can help to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem. I am completely in
favor
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favour
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 of encouraging more physical
education
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 lessons in schools, which we will discuss in the next sections. Obesity is increasing
with
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at
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 an alarming rate in
current
Correct article usage
the current
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 generation especially in urban areas. In a recent report published by American
Health
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 Association, it is stated that Obesity has increased by 40% among youths who are aged between 21-30 years old which is really concerning. There are various reasons which are leading our younger generation to become overweight.
Firstly
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, Automation is one of the major reasons which has some advantages but
on the other
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hand
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,hand
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 it has
critically
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a critically
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 negative impact on
Linking Words
overall
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the overall
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health
Use synonyms
 of an individual. Humans are depending more and more on machines for their chores and their physical
health
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 is deteriorating day by day. Another important factor for
growth
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the growth
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 of overweight people is the food choices
in
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at
show examples
current
Correct article usage
the current
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 time. They are more fond of fast and junk foods available than to have a healthy diet.
High
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A high
The high
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 number of calories and carbohydrate intake in the food items
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
gain
Wrong verb form
gaining
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 weight aggressively if there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 no physical exercise
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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in your daily routine.
Linking Words
Last
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,Last
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 but not
the
Correct article usage
apply
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least, teenagers are addicted to mobile phones,
tablets
Correct word choice
and tablets
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 for playing games and other various social activities which is encouraging them to stay
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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indoors and spend more time alone. It deeply concerns me that our younger generation is having
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 casual approach towards their physical
health
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. I strongly believe that if we can introduce more physical
education
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 lessons in the school curriculum , it can bring a phenomenal change in
obese
Correct article usage
the obese
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 population to ease the burden on
Use synonyms
health
Add an article
the health
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 care system.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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