The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lesson in school. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

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It is argued that
,
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apply

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increasing
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the increasing

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count of obese people
are
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is

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making it difficult for
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health care
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healthcare

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centers
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centres

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to deal with the
health
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issues involved. Many
believes
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believe

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that introducing and emphasizing
on
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apply

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more physical
education
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in
the
Correct article usage
apply

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school
education
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can help to deal with
this
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problem. I am completely in
favor
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favour

The spelling of favor is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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of encouraging more physical
education
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

lessons in schools, which we will discuss in the next sections. Obesity is increasing
with
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at

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an alarming rate in
current
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the current

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generation especially in urban areas. In a recent report published by American
Health
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Association, it is stated that Obesity has increased by 40% among youths who are aged between 21-30 years old which is really concerning. There are various reasons which are leading our younger generation to become overweight.
Firstly
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, Automation is one of the major reasons which has some advantages but
on the other
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hand
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,hand

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it has
critically
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a critically

The noun phrase critically negative impact seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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negative impact on
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Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

overall
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the overall

The noun phrase overall health seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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health
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of an individual. Humans are depending more and more on machines for their chores and their physical
health
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is deteriorating day by day. Another important factor for
growth
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the growth

The noun phrase growth seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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of overweight people is the food choices
in
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at

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current
Correct article usage
the current

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time. They are more fond of fast and junk foods available than to have a healthy diet.
High
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A high
The high

It appears that the phrase High number does not contain the correct article usage. Consider making a change.

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number of calories and carbohydrate intake in the food items
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads

It seems that the verb lead does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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to
gain
Wrong verb form
gaining

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weight aggressively if there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is

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no physical exercise
is
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb is appears to be unnecessary here.

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in your daily routine.
Linking Words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Last
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,Last

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but not
the
Correct article usage
apply

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least, teenagers are addicted to mobile phones,
tablets
Correct word choice
and tablets

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for playing games and other various social activities which is encouraging them to stay
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply

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indoors and spend more time alone. It deeply concerns me that our younger generation is having
very
Correct article usage
a very

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casual approach towards their physical
health
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. I strongly believe that if we can introduce more physical
education
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

lessons in the school curriculum , it can bring a phenomenal change in
obese
Correct article usage
the obese

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population to ease the burden on
Use synonyms
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

health
Add an article
the health

The noun phrase health care system seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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care system.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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