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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar graph below shows basic information about usses of leisure time among different age groups.

the bar graph below shows basic information about usses of leisure time among different age groups.
The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates some basic data about different age
groups
Use synonyms
 and how they spend their pastime during the weekend. The
chart
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 demonstrates
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 three age
groups
Use synonyms
 in horizontal
line
Fix the agreement mistake
lines
show examples
 and three entertainments usage in minutes per weekend vertically.
Additionally
Linking Words
, 20-65 years old
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 really like to have
an active entertainments
Correct the article-noun agreement
active entertainment
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 like exercising.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they have
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 use of
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and reading activities, around 30 minutes per
weekends
Fix the agreement mistake
weekend
show examples
. In the
teenagers
Replace the word
teenage
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 group, 13-19 years old
people
Use synonyms
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
prefer to spend most of their leisure time in front of the computer which is very harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their eyes.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, they absolutely hate reading books
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 that
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 and
that is
Linking Words
 the least time spent, 5
minute
Change to a plural noun
minutes
show examples
, in the
chart
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, elder
people
Use synonyms
, like persons who are 66 years old or above,
in contrast
Linking Words
 with teenagers are really passionate to read different kinds of books at weekends, the
chart
Use synonyms
 depicts that they use at least 1 hour each week.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they are not really keen to work with computers or
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 different sports activities
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 that stage of their life.
Overall
Linking Words
, the bar graph shows different data about 3
groups
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 can be observed that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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adults are the most activated
groups
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
, the oldest
people
Use synonyms
 are intellectually prepared so they spend most of their time reading.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the youngest group are fascinated by technology so they really want to play
for example
Linking Words
 video games despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reading books in their free
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, groups, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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