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Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organizations #outweigh
In recent days, large internet corporations and institutions
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
owning
Wrong verb form
owned
show examples
individuals' private
data
. I believe
this
 condition creates more disadvantages compared to the advantages. First of all, the positive points that we have if our info is being stored by organisations and internet companies are,
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 is easier to proceed with administration tasks
such
 as making identity cards or passports, opening a bank account or simply just buying some stuff online.
However
, the probability of being hacked will
be causing
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 a bigger risk of
data
 leaks by the company.
This
 situation usually caused by the companies who
owned
Wrong verb form
own
show examples
 our
data
 are not securing the
data
 properly.
For example
, a big company like Facebook
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 experienced their user's
data
 leaking several times. The
data
 was
then
 sold anonymously in a black market at a very expensive price.
Hence
, people whose
data
 are scattered more often will receive spam on their mobile phones or emails.
Moreover
, in the era of social media, people
also
 will experience more cybercrime cases especially when it is not only personal information provided but
also
 combined with their photo. The perpetrators will use all of
this
 advice to start profiling their victims.
For example
, sexual harassment through social media is rising recently and the perpetrators are very professional and make their victims believe in them because they know all of their information.
Then
, it is important to keep your account private and not trust people that you meet through social media easily. In conclusion, even though it is efficient for us to have our
data
 stored by some corporations or institutions, the chance of being a victim of cyber crimes is bigger than merely being efficient.
Submitted by Parayogi on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction could be improved by clearly stating the opinion on the topic.
task achievement
The main points need to be more clearly developed and supported with relevant examples.

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