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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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In recent days, large internet corporations and institutions
are
Verb problem
have
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owning
Wrong verb form
owned
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individuals' private
data
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. I believe
this
Linking Words
 condition creates more disadvantages compared to the advantages. First of all, the positive points that we have if our info is being stored by organisations and internet companies are,
it
Correct word choice
that it
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 is easier to proceed with administration tasks
such
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 as making identity cards or passports, opening a bank account or simply just buying some stuff online.
However
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, the probability of being hacked will
be causing
Wrong verb form
cause
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 a bigger risk of
data
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 leaks by the company.
This
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 situation usually caused by the companies who
owned
Wrong verb form
own
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 our
data
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 are not securing the
data
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 properly.
For example
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, a big company like Facebook
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 experienced their user's
data
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 leaking several times. The
data
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 was
then
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 sold anonymously in a black market at a very expensive price.
Hence
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, people whose
data
Use synonyms
 are scattered more often will receive spam on their mobile phones or emails.
Moreover
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, in the era of social media, people
also
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 will experience more cybercrime cases especially when it is not only personal information provided but
also
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 combined with their photo. The perpetrators will use all of
this
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 advice to start profiling their victims.
For example
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, sexual harassment through social media is rising recently and the perpetrators are very professional and make their victims believe in them because they know all of their information.
Then
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, it is important to keep your account private and not trust people that you meet through social media easily. In conclusion, even though it is efficient for us to have our
data
Use synonyms
 stored by some corporations or institutions, the chance of being a victim of cyber crimes is bigger than merely being efficient.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction could be improved by clearly stating the opinion on the topic.
task achievement
The main points need to be more clearly developed and supported with relevant examples.
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