IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has scientifically been proved to have bad effects on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has scientifically been proved to have bad effects on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree？
#people #shops #food #drink #effects #health #disagree？
Nowadays, with the development of the economy and science,
people
 no longer suffer from hunger,
instead
, we gradually have more
food
 and beverages to select from.
However
,
due to
 the bad effects of some
food
 or drink that has been scientifically proven, some
people
 believe that shops should stop selling
this
 kind of stuff,
while
 others hold the opposite opinion. On the one hand, it is an undeniable fact that ordinary
people
 have more choices when they go to the supermarket for groceries than before.
For example
, a housewife pushes the shopping cart into a department store and buys
food
 and household goods for her family, which may include different soda water, fresh seafood,
as well as
 the candies that her children love most. Modern technology enriched
people
's lives dramatically.
On the other hand
, the same scenario may happen in the same family, but with a totally different outcome.
For example
, if the kids eat too many candies or soda, that will damage their teeth, or if the husband in that family is a smoking person, too many cigarettes may
also
 affect the health condition of all the family members in that house. In
this
 case, candy and
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
should not be allowed to sell.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 my perspective, I totally do not agree that we should abandon
food
 that may affect our health, even though
these
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 were scientifically approved, because
this
 kind of merchandise normally helps us to release dopamine, which increases our sense of happiness, and appropriate consuming will not affect our health much. In conclusion, regardless of the side effect of some goods, they still contribute to the happiness of humans, but we should be aware of not over-using them, only in
this
 way, we can maintain our well been
as well as
 be happy.
Submitted by leejingsong0808 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: