IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the health care system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this and what are some of the long term effects

#governments #improvements #health #care #system #countries #term #effects
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With the increasing technology, where it's giving flexibility to Humankind, it's
also
Linking Words
 ruining the physical
health
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 of
people
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.
Where as
Correct your spelling
Whereas
show examples
,
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apply
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 the government has worked hard to bring effectiveness
in
Change preposition
to
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 the
health
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 care department but the ratio of healthy
people
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 is declining with the passage of
time
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. I
am agree
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agree
show examples
 with the aforementioned statement and in
this
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 essay
i
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I
show examples
 will shed light on the basic reasons related to
this
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 issue and what can be their long-term effects.
Firstly
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in
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,in
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 my opinion, the top cognition of
this
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 problem is lack of
time
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. As
,
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apply
show examples
 every person nowadays is very much engaged some in work, some in studies or other's in the race of life even that they do not have
time
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 to
lookafter
Correct your spelling
look after
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
People
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 working at offices don't have
time
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 to go
for
Change preposition
to
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 a gym or walk outside. Students do not have
time
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 to give themselves even
Correct word choice
if
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they do not have proper meals most of the
time
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. The quality meal is replaced by the
fastfood
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fast food
fast-food
, because of
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
fessible
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feasible
availaibility
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availability
 and affordable prices, working
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people's
Change noun form
people
show examples
 and students prefer outside food as
,
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apply
show examples
 they do not have
time
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 to prepare food at home.
Fastfood
Correct your spelling
Fast food
show examples
 is harmful to
body
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the body
show examples
 in all ways, they just spoil the body.
Secondly
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, another dominant cause is the internet.
Although
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,
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apply
show examples
 it's serving
people
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 with
uncounatble
Correct your spelling
uncountable
 and undeniable features and facilities
while
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on the other hand
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, it's
also
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 making
people
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 stuck to laptops, cellphones and all other digital devices.
People
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 prefer to spend
time
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 on social media for their fun and peace rather than, using other activities like
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 and fun with family. In
this
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 way they
loose
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lose
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 interest
from
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in
show examples
 healthy habits, in fact, kids nowadays are addicted
ti
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and digital devices a lot, and it's a big hazard
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their eyesight.
This
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 problem is very common in
Childern
Correct your spelling
children
 with age 1-10 years only
due to
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 excessive use of
screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
show examples
.
In addition
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, the government has updated
health
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 care centres
according to
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 all emergencies and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
advancement
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 in surgical tools
also
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 but, the number of unhealthy
people
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's
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rising with every passing year regarding all the
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 concerns. If we will not keep ourselves healthy with a fine
nieutritional
Correct your spelling
nutritional
 diet
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 we will get older before
time
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, and
while
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 reaching
to
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apply
show examples
actual old age we will not have
energy
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the energy
show examples
 to survive any more at any cost. Because
,
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apply
show examples
evry
Correct your spelling
every
health
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 hazard has long term effects.
To sum up
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, I would like to say that
people
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 should
takecare
Correct your spelling
take care
 of their
health
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 first because, without
it
Add a comma
,it
show examples
 they can't work or study. Government should impose some strict rules So, that
people
Use synonyms
 let it to take
serious
Change the adjective
seriously
show examples
.
Submitted by samrazwaseem on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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