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Writing Samples
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement ? Grades encourage student to learn.

#grades #student
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It is thought by certain people that many kids are more and more interested
to study
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in studying
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 when they have a good school record. I absolutely disagree with
this
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 statement. First of all, in the era of competition, humans get bombarded with numerous serious information
that
Correct word choice
and
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 one of these outputs is education. Many parents pay a considerable amount of attention to their kids not only for their living but learning,
thus
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, their children can be less and less accessible to playing.
For example
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, in Korea, an abundance of pupils have depression from studying hard to have a top rank in school because their progenitor forces them to spend their time learning.
For instance
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, many Asian adolescents, in China and Thailand
in particular
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, take tutorial extra classes to improve their grades.
Moreover
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, some of them can’t overcome a severe threat so, they choose to suicide to tackle the problem. To tackle that situation, the class should be flexible and unnecessary subjects should be reduced.
Consequently
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, the government of multinational conglomerates
such
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 as Finland
whereas
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 the happiest country in the world plays an important role
to keep
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in keeping
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 its citizens free of stress.
Furthermore
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, the authority provides many organizations outside the classroom like the library and the national art gallery having facilities to enhance the quality of life. And for another, the school curriculum in
such
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 a society allows youths to choose their own class,
for
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this
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 reason, it encourages them to do their activity.
Additionally
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, the surrounding environment
also
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 significantly supports their study.
To conclude
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, from my perspective, that statement is not quite correct.
Although
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 grade enriches child to read up,
above all
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, pleasure is more and more important.
Therefore
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, enjoyment leads to discovering new experiences.
Submitted by amittawin on

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coherence cohesion
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